Rule One - Down a shot each time Dot Branning reels off a quote from the Bible.
Rule Two - Make yourself a dirty cocktail if you manage to figure out the family tree that connects Pat Butcher to pretty much everyone in the show.
Rule Three - Knock back a swig of rum each time the Argee Bargee curryhouse or Fargo's restaurant is mentioned.
Rule Four - Have a double and mixer of choice each time a character cracks into some scotch when they're angry/upset or some food starts burning in The Caff to indicate stress and despair.
Rule Five - Chug some beers each time Abi Branning starts whining about wanting her parents back together or she discusses her pets.
Rule Six - Swig some whiskey if you spot Phil Mitchell looking red-faced, angry and panting like a dog that has been locked in a car boot for a week.
Rule Seven - Have a vodka and mixer of choice each time Big Mo mentions Fat Elvis or Tracy is asked
to man the bar during a crisis.
Rule Eight - Each time Peggy Mitchell/Pat Butcher proclaims the virtues of the "faaaarrmily", drink some absinthe.
Rule Nine - If you spot Ricky pulling a face as if he's just produced a really nasty smell when he is trying to indicate confusion, anger or emotional
torment, crack into the vodka.
Rule Ten - Have two fingers of ale each time Frank Butcher's plaque or Arthur Fowler's bench are shown on screen.
Rule Eleven - Keep drinking your beer whenever Archie Mitchell is sat at the end of the bar, Ben Mitchell is spotted whimpering on the stairs, or Heather Trott is filmed stuffing her face with cheese.
Rule Twelve - Mix all the remaining drinks together and down in one if a character leaves via a black cab "up West" or to visit another character e.g. 'Chelle in America or Kathy in Saaartthh Africa.
I WAS GOING TO leave this one alone, but what the hell.
The Sun (uh huh) reports on our favourite gay penguins. They were the ones allegedly "quarrelling with another male over stolen eggs" - although we still haven't heard back from the interpreter regarding the veracity of that quote. Maybe they were quarrelling about getting into Noah's Ark.
No? Well, I thought it was funny.
Anyway, they've only gone and got married, haven't they? Yes, the saddlebacking bible nuts might not allow us to wed in California, but the Chinese will let penguins do it.
So there.
Oh yeah, and best wishes to the happy couple. I hope it all works out.
Previously: Gays Make The Best Parents
As someone who's only ever been in mixed-race relationships since the age of seventeen, stories like these really resonate - and to my ears, it's a good news story. Mixed race couplings shouldn't be unusual, or raise eyebrows, but they continue to provoke heated debate on all sides, with phrase like selling out and fetish still flung about.
