Celebrity Big Brother

WHAT I WATCHED

LAST NIGHT

WORDS BY ZEON KANE

A recent article in The Guardian described the current series of Celebrity Big Brother as a "carnival of misery", an apt description that had me in peels of laughter. Hitherto, I hadn't considered what a "carnival of misery" might be like, but thanks to CBB, with its current cast of unhappy wretches, I now know.

Either deeply unpleasant, or just plain dull, this bunch of Z-listers and has-beens revel in sniping, bickering, name-calling, and above all, faux outrage. It washes over the Borehamwood backlot in great waves, like that freak wave in The Poseidon Adventure, leaving just as much devastation in its wake. Faux outrage, after all, is Britain's favourite pastime.

Tonight's "highlights" show (shouldn't that be lowlights?) saw yet another screaming match amongst the women, in scenes reminiscent of Prisoner: Cell Block H, but without the denim. The utterly vile American Cami-Li, famous (apparently) for being engaged to a nonentity from another reality series, had launched herself at former "glamour" model Alicia. Picture, if you will, a rabid hyena going after Bambi. Cami-Li's gruesome partner in crime was the truly monstrous Chloe, an Essex girl who sounds like she has rocks in her mouth, and who goes around saying things like, "I'm just really honest". Poor Alicia, who seems like a sweet enough girl, was repeatedly branded "thick", and told that even her family didn't love her. Ouch. Fortunately, Saint Nadia (she of daytime telly) gamely fought Alicia's corner, pointing out that it just wasn't terribly nice to say such things, to anyone, let alone a vulnerable simpleton like Alicia. But it was to no avail; her pleading was drowned out under the white noise of Cami-Li's screaming.

Cami-Li attacks.

Perez makes love to a window.

Michelle pleads for the Gay Community.

You'd think that such histrionics would be enough for one night. But no. Infamous showbiz tattletale Perez Hilton wasn't about to have the limelight stolen by the Mean Girls. After dancing around the garden (to Chloe's outrage: she glowered hatefully at him through the bedroom window), Perez stripped off to his underwear, and as the catfight in the bedroom reached its peak, he proceeded to grind against the window, breathlessly chanting, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Oh! Oh my God!" The women in the bedroom were Offended. Calum Best was stunned. Perez meanwhile simulated an orgasm, exclaiming blissfully, "I just came". And then, after a final flurry of expletives, the storm in the bedroom abated - briefly. Michelle Visage hurried to the diary room to protest, not against Cami-Li's horrific bullying, but Perez's outrageous antics. "What we just witnessed," she said, oozing faux outrage (it's contagious), "was an outrage... I'm outraged for an entire community that has been fighting for equality for so long. And that one of our people can run around in his underwear, make sexually explicit movements, be bothersome to these girls, and set our community back fifty years. We've been fighting this fight every day for equal rights... I do not want people judging the gay community on this ass."

Well, gee, thanks Michelle. Thanks for flagging that up. What would we do without you?

"There's so much more to these people than that," she sobbed. 'These people'? Really? Who made Visage a spokesperson for the LGBT community? Did I miss that memo?

Self-appointed LGBT martyrs ain't all they're cracked up to be. Trust me, I know. Last year I discovered, to my detriment, what it's like to have the rug pulled out from under you. What's that quote; "the time has come... to denounce false teachers and attack false gods"? Word.

The one bright spark amidst this gloomy gathering is Perez Hilton, who describes himself as a "producer's wet dream". His behaviour is jaw-dropping, and relentless - and relentlessly entertaining. He's disgraceful, awful, way, way, over the top, and frequently monstrous. And he's hilarious. That's what Celebrity Big Brother is all about. Not martyrs. Not faux outrage. And, God help us, not Katie Hopkins.

Watch the episode below, or here.

Brian Wins Big Brother

Here's something you won't read on separtist/hatred-inciting/racist sites like keithboykin.com - a black man has just won Big Brother. Twenty year-old Brian Belo was voted as winner of the reality series by a massive 60.3% of the British public (headline on keithboykin.com: "39.7% of British Public Are Racist"). Let's put this in context: the last four contestants in the house consisted of down-to-earth, earnestly nice Northern lad Liam (white), vain ex-boyband member Ziggy (white) and Aryan princesses Amanda and Sam (twins, blonde and white). What this says about the media, modern Britain, and any old bollocks really, remains to be seen, and obviously a black male could never win the American version of Big Brother, but it's all terribly insightful - or maybe I've just had to much chardonnay tonight? Answers on a postcard.

Big Bro's Double Standards

Big Brother is once again facing criticism, this time for showing a female housemate calling a (straight) male housemate a poof.

According to digitalspy.co.uk, GaydarRadio has received complaints about the incident, and another involving a male housemate referring to women in the house as lesbians.

At the beginning of the current series of Big Brother, a female housemate was removed from the house for using the n-word - yet by not acting on the use of the word poof, Big Brother producers are sending out the message that whilst racist language is unnacceptable, homophobic language falls on deaf ears.

Robin Crowley of GaydarRadio says: “Whether the word was used in an affectionate way or not, the term ‘you poof’ is meant in a demeaning way. As the word ‘nigger’ is unacceptable to the black community, so too is the word ‘poof’ unacceptable to the gay and lesbian community.”
GaydarRadio is urging viewers to complain directly to Channel 4, and to Ofcom, the media regulator. You can do so here and here.

Earlier this year, Ofcom compelled Channel 4 to broadcast the findings of its report into the racist bullying of Shilpa Shetty in Celebrity Big Brother.

Brian's Fishwife Hell

Let us return now to Brian-Watch. Our excitable Essex boy has been packed off on a traditional British caravan holiday (circa 1950) with our other Big Brother favourite, Charley. As a ‘reward’ for winning the knobbliest knees competition, Big Brother issued our chums with drab 1950s clothes, and banished them to a caravan in the garden. Unfortunately for Brian, neither he nor Charley can leave the caravan, nor can the other housemates come within the white picket fence bordering it. But by day two of their jolly break, Brian was fed up with Charley’s trademark whingeing, complaining to Carole about his proxy wife. Charley yelled: "I can hear you arseholes," to which Brian retorted: "That's because you're supposed to." Big Brother subsequently called the unhappy duo back to the house. At breakfast Laura remarked of a sullen looking Brian: “Brian looks mentally exhausted.” After a caravan holiday with Charley, it’s astonishing he’s still standing.

"Oh blimey! I better get a move on otherwise Charley'll throw a strop."

"Strewth. She's gonna go mental. I can hear 'er blood boiling from 'ere."

"God 'elp me. I'm in for a proper tellin' off tonight. She's not a woman you wanna disappoint, my Charley."

"BRIAN! GIT YOUR ARSE OUT 'ERE NOW! DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE FOR YA!"

Charley waits for Brian. It's not looking good for him.

"Look at the state of the garden Bri. God almighty.That fence needs paintin' in'all. And when are you gonna do sumfink about the leakin' roof? Call yourself a man? Git in the caravan, I need a seein' to. NOW!"

"That husband of mine's is gonna give me a good seein' to tonight if it kills him.

BRI! Git in the caravan. I'm not bein' funny but I've got needs."

"We don't talk like we used to Bri."

"That's 'cos I can't get a word in edgeways, darlin'."

"Bri are you gonna eat like that? I slave over a hot stove all day. Bri, say something. I'm not being funny or nuffink but this isn't the sort of life I wanted for myself. Bri! BRI!"

"Fetch me pipe and slippers there's a good girl."

"I'm a hen-pecked 'usband. Git me outta here."

"Stop faffing about Bri and git in 'ere you. Yer dinner's on the table."

Charley finally makes Brian pass out. Well, wouldn't you?

Pictures courtesy of Digitalspy.co.uk

White Australia: We Grew Here, You Flew Here

Controversy has erupted over an incident on the Australian version of Big Brother, in which contestants threw goo-filled bags at the Mexican flag. The Mexican government complained that the use of the Mexican flag was offensive and complained to Australia’s media regulator.

As anyone who knows me well can attest, I don’t like Australia. My hostility towards that Godforsaken sandpit, a dry, crusty scab on the ass of planet Earth, knows no bounds. Or, more accurately, my intense dislike for the occupiers of Her Majesty’s colony of Australia - let’s not forget that only around 1% of the continent’s population (yes, one percent) are native Aboriginal. The European invaders successfully wiped out most of the aboriginal populace, and the “White Australia Policy” restricted non-European immigration - and successfully persecuted the remaining black inhabitants (including forcibly removing newborn babies from black mothers, who weren’t considered fit to care for them) - until it’s abolition in 1975. Yes, that’s right, racism was officially sanctioned in Australia until 1975.

I had the misfortune to live in Australia from 1990, when I was ten years old, until 2002, and my experiences in that country were largely negative. Australians have successfully marketed themselves as happy-go-lucky, honest, fair-minded, non-discriminatory folk, but in truth are exactly the opposite of that. Xenophobia and racism, dressed up in an obsessive national patriotism that’s drummed into school children Nazi-style, is the order of the day. As an immigrant child I suffered racist bullying - taunted about my accent, my nationality (oh, the jokes about stupid Irish people and the IRA had me rolling in the aisles), and even my skin colour (I’m Irish, so too white for the perfectly tanned Aussies). Teachers were too busy singing the national anthem, or waving the Aussie flag to notice, and the truth is that in Australia, anyone who doesn’t look or sound “true blue Aussie” is ripe for victimisation. When I was seventeen, I started dating boys; my first boyfriend was Aboriginal, and simply being at his side I was given the dubious honour of seeing how our true blue Aussies view the black population - with suspicion, fear and disgust. The racism that Sean endured was, in turns, blatant and subtle, but always present.

I recall one occasion when a group of drunk Aussie Blokes threw a drunk Aboriginal woman off the last train of the night in Perth, whilst various authority figures turned a blind eye. On another occasion, an Asian woman with a toddler, having the gall to speak in her own language, provoked a fellow (Aussie) traveller, who was seething with anger, to remark spitefully as he left the train that she should “use English, [she] doesn’t know what country she’s in.” The woman didn’t bat an eyelid, suggesting that incidents of this kind were frequent enough.

Since I’ve lived in London, I haven’t managed to escape the Aussie curse. They’re everywhere. Despite proclaiming at every opportunity that Australia is the best country in the world, they can’t seem to spend enough time elsewhere. London’s a particular draw for the Aussie pest - in parts of West London you’re more likely to hear an Australian accent than any other - that, or be forced to step over an inebriated Aussie backpacker vomiting into the gutter. They even have their own pubs in the capital, where all the Aussies who flock to London congregate with other Aussies, or white South Africans (another subject in itself). Despite insisting that immigrants assimilate and take on the Aussie way of life in their own country, they stick to their own kind when overseas.

On 11th December 2005, the racial tensions bubbling away under the carefully crafted façade of tolerance in Australia, finally erupted into race riots. White Australian men attacked and assaulted two Middle Eastern men in separate incidents. At least three far-right organisations were involved, with slogans like “We Grew Here, You Flew Here", "Wog Free Zone", "Aussie Pride", and "Ethnic Clensing Unit". Towards the end of the year, drive-by shootings were occurring and a church next to an Islamic centre was set on fire.

As an aside, one only has to look to popular culture for proof of Australia’s dislike of the unlike. Despite Australia claiming to be a racial melting pot, the nation’s two long-running national soaps, Neighbours and Home And Away, both of which have been on since the mid-1980s, have never had a non-white face as a series regular. That’s right, in twenty years the country’s telenovellas haven’t notched up one single Aboriginal or Asian face. From my own experience, non-white faces on Australian television were rare. But it isn’t all doom and gloom, with broadcaster SBS devoted to “the multicultural voice of Australia” - and a good job it does too. I discovered the work of Tsai Ming Liang through the network, a sitcom from Singapore and Glenroe, a telenovella from Ireland, and films from every corner of the globe. But no one in Australia watches SBS - viewing figures are so low they often can‘t be measured.

I never could find a job in Australia. I guess my face, or voice, appearance didn’t fit. I never had a friend or lover who was Australian. Chinese? Tick. Malaysian? Tick. Korean? Tick. Visiting African-Americans? Tick (a marine and someone touring with Mariah Carey, for the record).

The Australian Big Brother incident might have been blown out of proportion, but it’s absolutely indicative of Australia: it’s an ugly place. I’m glad I managed to get out.

Man Trouble

Here are some gratuitous and pointless pictures of my favourite new Big Brother housemate. His name is Brian, he's 19 and from Essex (but we won't hold that against him). Brian is scared of animals.

Regulator Says Showing Racism Is Wrong

Media regulator Ofcom has rapped Channel 4 across the knuckles for its handling of the racism row that engulfed Celebrity Big Brother earlier this year.

Ofcom says that Channel 4 made "serious editorial misjudgements" in its handling of specific incidents involving Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty, pig woman Jade Goody, brain void Danielle Lloyd, and the human equivalent of a toilet, Jo O'Meara .

Naughty Channel 4 broadcasting the behaviour of the people locked up in the house. Big Brother is reality TV trash, how could it let all that nasty racism and xenophobia spill over into our vacuous lives!

It's the old "PC gone mad" argument again - God forbid that television actually reflect what's going on the real world. Why is Ofcom reprimanding Channel 4, exactly? For allowing the racist bullying to go on? For broadcasting it? Surely this is exactly what it should do. Goody et al actively persecuted Shetty, mirroring the conduct of their ilk in the real world, so why shouldn't they show it? In fact, had they edited the footage, only for it to leak out later on, the media would be screaming "cover-up" from the rooftops - or redtops. Had they not screened the footage, or warned the instigators earlier, would that not make them complicit in a cover-up. Wouldn't they then be protecting the cheap reputations of these z-list celebs?

Genuine racism exists, and here in Britain there's an unhealthy denial about it. Props to Channel 4 and Big Brother for airing the dirty laundry - even if the real motivation was publicity and ratings...

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER - DEATH THREATS?

CHANNEL 4 HAS APPARENTLY received threats against the housemates involved in the racist bullying of Shilpa Shetty.

In addition, some 13000 complaints have been received, and Carphone Warehouse is reviewing its sponsorship of the show (but will it put principles before profit and actually pull out? I doubt it).

Police are now investigating after complaints about the racist behaviour being perpetrated by housemates and apparently condoned by Big Brother producers.

On Monday night, sewer-mouth footballer's accessory Danielle Lloyd said, "They eat with their hands in India, don't they - or is that China? You don't know where her hands have been." She and her merry band of white trash chums, which include Jade Goody and her mute boyfriend Jack Tweed, as well as Jo O'Meara (who has made an artform out of moaning and looking miserable), ridiculed Shetty's attempt's to cook a chicken - despite not lifting a finger to help themselves.

Last night, she was subjected to further attacks when she dumped the remains of a chicken soup into the toilet. When it became clogged up, Tweed finally opened his mouth - but only to instruct Shilpa to remove the bones in the loo with her teeth.

Some newspapers are claiming that an anti-bullying charity, which Goody supports, has dropped the Z-list "star".

With the furore intensifying, it will be interesting to see if Channel 4 actually steps in - if not to do the decent thing and eject the racists, then to protect its most valuble moneyspinner from real damage.