Celebrity Big Brother

WHAT I WATCHED

LAST NIGHT

WORDS BY ZEON KANE

A recent article in The Guardian described the current series of Celebrity Big Brother as a "carnival of misery", an apt description that had me in peels of laughter. Hitherto, I hadn't considered what a "carnival of misery" might be like, but thanks to CBB, with its current cast of unhappy wretches, I now know.

Either deeply unpleasant, or just plain dull, this bunch of Z-listers and has-beens revel in sniping, bickering, name-calling, and above all, faux outrage. It washes over the Borehamwood backlot in great waves, like that freak wave in The Poseidon Adventure, leaving just as much devastation in its wake. Faux outrage, after all, is Britain's favourite pastime.

Tonight's "highlights" show (shouldn't that be lowlights?) saw yet another screaming match amongst the women, in scenes reminiscent of Prisoner: Cell Block H, but without the denim. The utterly vile American Cami-Li, famous (apparently) for being engaged to a nonentity from another reality series, had launched herself at former "glamour" model Alicia. Picture, if you will, a rabid hyena going after Bambi. Cami-Li's gruesome partner in crime was the truly monstrous Chloe, an Essex girl who sounds like she has rocks in her mouth, and who goes around saying things like, "I'm just really honest". Poor Alicia, who seems like a sweet enough girl, was repeatedly branded "thick", and told that even her family didn't love her. Ouch. Fortunately, Saint Nadia (she of daytime telly) gamely fought Alicia's corner, pointing out that it just wasn't terribly nice to say such things, to anyone, let alone a vulnerable simpleton like Alicia. But it was to no avail; her pleading was drowned out under the white noise of Cami-Li's screaming.

Cami-Li attacks.

Perez makes love to a window.

Michelle pleads for the Gay Community.

You'd think that such histrionics would be enough for one night. But no. Infamous showbiz tattletale Perez Hilton wasn't about to have the limelight stolen by the Mean Girls. After dancing around the garden (to Chloe's outrage: she glowered hatefully at him through the bedroom window), Perez stripped off to his underwear, and as the catfight in the bedroom reached its peak, he proceeded to grind against the window, breathlessly chanting, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Oh! Oh my God!" The women in the bedroom were Offended. Calum Best was stunned. Perez meanwhile simulated an orgasm, exclaiming blissfully, "I just came". And then, after a final flurry of expletives, the storm in the bedroom abated - briefly. Michelle Visage hurried to the diary room to protest, not against Cami-Li's horrific bullying, but Perez's outrageous antics. "What we just witnessed," she said, oozing faux outrage (it's contagious), "was an outrage... I'm outraged for an entire community that has been fighting for equality for so long. And that one of our people can run around in his underwear, make sexually explicit movements, be bothersome to these girls, and set our community back fifty years. We've been fighting this fight every day for equal rights... I do not want people judging the gay community on this ass."

Well, gee, thanks Michelle. Thanks for flagging that up. What would we do without you?

"There's so much more to these people than that," she sobbed. 'These people'? Really? Who made Visage a spokesperson for the LGBT community? Did I miss that memo?

Self-appointed LGBT martyrs ain't all they're cracked up to be. Trust me, I know. Last year I discovered, to my detriment, what it's like to have the rug pulled out from under you. What's that quote; "the time has come... to denounce false teachers and attack false gods"? Word.

The one bright spark amidst this gloomy gathering is Perez Hilton, who describes himself as a "producer's wet dream". His behaviour is jaw-dropping, and relentless - and relentlessly entertaining. He's disgraceful, awful, way, way, over the top, and frequently monstrous. And he's hilarious. That's what Celebrity Big Brother is all about. Not martyrs. Not faux outrage. And, God help us, not Katie Hopkins.

Watch the episode below, or here.