The gay story arc Hollywood didn't want in Die Hard

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Die Hard has long been known as the heartwarming Christmas tale that put It's A Wonderful Life out of business, but few movie buffs know about the romantic first act director John McTiernan was forced to cut just weeks before principal photography was due to commence.

It's the question film fans have been asking since 1988: Why did Argyle, the plucky chauffeur who picks up New York cop John McClane from LAX, wait around in the basement of Nakatomi Plaza all night? Leaked documents, exposed for the first time by Sony hackers, have revealed the truth, so we asked some of the key cast and crew what it all means...

"Die Hard was based on Roderick Thorp's novel Nothing Lasts Forever," McTiernan says. "But when it came to the screenplay, we felt it needed something. We holed up for a weekend at [screenwriter] Jeb Stuart's ranch, staring at a blank sheet of paper. Nothin'. We couldn't figure out a way to make it work."

Jeb Stuart: "The question I kept coming back to was, why is McClane in New York and Holly in LA? These guys ain't the Huxtables. I turned to John and said, what's the real story there?"

"McClane is a homosexual," McTiernan grins. "His marriage to Holly was a fraud. As soon as we cracked that, the whole first act wrote itself. It became, what happened between John McClane and Argyle on the way to Nakatomi Plaza."

Bruce Willis takes up the story. "You got to understand, this was before Michael Sam made it okay to date outside your race. It just wasn't done in the '80s. Spike Lee heard about what we were planning and threatened to pull Reg [VelJohnson, who played Sgt. Al Powell] from the picture. We needed Reg. Without Reg, we didn't have a picture."

"We shot a love scene," De'voreaux White - who played Argyle - claims. "In the back of that limo. The crew used dry ice to steam up the windows, and I dragged my hand down it." White shakes his head bitterly. "James Cameron used that shot in Titanic, but we did it first. Me and Bruce."

"Was there sex? Sure there was sex," McTiernan says. "We had Argyle riding McClane like a prize rodeo champion. This was a passionate, sexual affair, love at first sight, fireworks, everything."

Jeb Stuart interjects, "But this wasn't a story about pure lust. This was love. Argyle showed McClane - this hard, closeted New York cop - his world; the voguing, the tea, the shade. It was gay Los Angeles in the late '80s. We were going to shoot at Mother Load and Studio One. We were talking to Gene Anthony Ray about making a cameo."

"In the original script, McClane went to the party at Nakatomi to let Holly know he was  homosexual," De'voreaux White says. "He was going to take off with Argyle in the limo, head for a new life in San Francisco. Die Hard 2 would've been a gay road movie." A note of bitterness creeps into White's voice again. "Spike f**king Lee. He really did a number on me."

"There were too many obstacles in our path," McTiernan concedes. "I guess we were just ahead of our time."

For LGBT audiences, that missing first act will always remain painfully out of reach.

President Obama has confirmed "he will do more than ever to increase agricultural yields".

*This news item is fictitious.

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Youths on a beach stare in horror
at a billboard showing the cover.

A

ttitude - the gay lifestyle magazine - has apologised for the shock inclusion of a black model in its Sex Issue cover shoot.

"We have tested and trusted procedures in place to ensure this doesn't happen, but it's sadly inevitable that occasional breaches will occur," a spokesman for the magazine told the Daily Mail newspaper.

African-American model Eddie Diaz appears in the extended version of the cover, but Attitude bosses say they managed to limit the damage and keep him off the cover. Diaz himself admits, "I just hoped that by crouching down on the floor I'd slip under the radar. I really didn't want to cause any trouble, and apologise unreservedly for any offense I've caused."

Sagat and Diaz allegedly came to
blows over whose trainers were best.

We asked Attitude for a response to Diaz's comment, but a spokesman replied, "No one in the office speaks ebonics.

"Nor does anyone in the gay community want to see these sorts of people in our magazines. Gays want to read about Kylie and Lady Gaga, not rap music."

It's not the first time Attitude has run into trouble for breaking the rules universally adhered to by the gay media. In June, out singer Kele Okereke appeared on the magazine's cover, sparking outrage.

These boys told us: "We only ever
read Gardeners' World Magazine."

"He's about as queer as Bill Clinton," one reader complained. "Now they're trying to pass themselves off as gay just to get on the front of our magazines. That cover rightfully belonged to Jake Shears."

Prominent African-American bloggers have blasted Diaz's inclusion. "This is a return to slavery," lesbian separatist Jasmyne Cannick protested. "The white gay establishment have their magazines, and we have ours. Let Diaz appear in Clik or Flavalife.

"No good can come from the races mixing."

The Forestry Commission says it will "plant more trees than ever before" next year.

*This news item is fictitious.

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"I loved it - except for the bits about
Congress," 21-year-old Jamal said of
Decision Point. "My Mama ironed my
boxers fresh this morning," he added.

T

he revelations of an affair with Westboro Baptist Church spokeswoman Shirley Phelps-Roper are thought to be behind a surge in sales for George W. Bush's memoir, Decision Points.

The lurid details - revealed in leaked, redacted chapters of the book - have been spilling across the front pages of the national press since Sunday. One extract reads:

"My secret name for her was Bible Beltless. And let me tell you, that wasn't the only item missing from her attire on our steamy trysts. It wasn't just physical - although our bodies fit together like a Smith & Wesson tight in its holster - Shirley and me believed in the same things too. Anti-aborting, with the gays and the intersexualists and so forth, not to mention those pesky A-Rabs and their false God. Where we digested was in Shirl's belief that the weapons of mass destruction were in New York's meatpacking district. We used to fight about that a lot."

Bush also goes into detail about his "special relationship" with former British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

One rejected cover shot. Editors feared
it might put off conservative readers.

"My Daddy told me Maggie Thatcher had the biggest balls in politics, but let me tell you this: Tony Blair was the biggest swinging dick on the block in my opinion."

On his response to Hurricane Katrina:

"The negro people have shown a great resiliation throughout history - they didn't need the Man interfering in their affairs, and if he had, that would've been wrong too. Sometimes you just can't do right for doing wrong, as my Daddy used to say. As Americans we renounciate Government intervention. Besides, the negro people had Conrad West looking out for them - and Jesus."

Leaked drafts also show the book's orginal title was My War On Terror - Yippie Ki Yay Bad Folk & Evil Doers. This was subsequently changed over concerns Bush wouldn't remember a title numbering more than two words. At Decision Point's launch in Houston, Texas this week, the former President said through tear-filled eyes, "This one's for you Daddy."

Trey Songz still resides in Cabot Cove with his grandmother Jessica.

*This news item is fictitious.

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P

rime Minister David Cameron has announced plans to disband Government.

Citizen arrests could rise.

A far-reaching report, authored by the Conservative favourite Think Tank, advised the move was a "tough, but necessary" cost-cutting measure. But work essential to the operation of the state will continue, with departments like health and education outsourced to top Tory donors in the business community.

In a keynote speech to the Commons, Deputy Leader Nick Clegg said, "Look, I'm terribly sorry about this, but Labour left us in an impossible situation, and the only option left is to sell off the Government. It's a hard decision, but necessary, and we're sorry. What the public want - and this is the message we keep on receiving  from Sun readers - is no Government. So I'm sorry, but that's exactly what we're going to do. Yes, David and I went to Eton, and we're both sorry for that, but we simply can't afford to go on like this. Sorry."

These youths welcomed the disbandment of Government.
"I prefer blonds," 18-year-old Miguel told us.

David Cameron has been forced to defend a scheme - exposed in leaked national infrastructure plans - to close all prisons and courts.

"What Sun readers are telling us, time and again," Prime Minister David Cameron told the News of the World, "is that the nanny state has become an all-encompassing brute. Not in those words - obviously, Sun readers didn't go to Eton as Nick and I did - but the keynote point is this: Sun readers want no Government interference in law and order. The most obvious answer, given the economic crisis we inherited from Labour, are a series of kangaroo courts, in the High Street, in retail parks, on street corners. It's my Big Society at work. We're making the decisions Labour simply wouldn't."

The Prime Minister added that he wanted to see a fresh, innovative approach to elections, with Sun newspaper readers voting by text.

Margaret Thatcher is 53.

*This news item is fictitious.

Gem Killed In Freak Accident

THE ICONIC GEM has been killed in a freak accident at a tragically young age.

Born in Italy before moving to London, Gem has had an incalculable impact on lives of people across the world.

It happened today in London, at around 1400GMT. Reports tell of "over-aggressive" a vacuuming on the part of ka-os, who caused the accident. Whilst thrusting the vacuum forward, a glancing blow caught Gem's right-hand corner, shattering the tempered glass instantly.

Condolences are already pouring in from across the globe. President Bush had this to say: "This is a horrific accident. I think I can speak for all the American people in sending my contortions to President Blair, and let this be known: we will not rest until the purple-ators of this crime have been brought to justice. Yippee kay aye, you bad folk."

Patsy Stone of London was equally moved. "You can never have enough hats, gloves and shoes." When asked to clarify her comments, she replied, "Yeah cheers thanks a lot."

In Anytown, Arizona, fan Jimmy Jr. White led an emotive demonstration. "Oh my God I can't believe this has happened. Like, why did they do this? Gem was so beautiful, Gem was my whole life! They killed Gem! And the Government is just going to hush it up as if nothing happened!"

In London, a member of grime outfit 'Lethal Raskal Cru' were more pragmatic: "This is just what's going down on the streets innit, Gem was on it still, that shit was chong, blud, you get me. Bare waste is going down still, standard . You know dis!"

Initially, there were hopes that Gem could be salvaged, but these were quickly dashed by super computer Zen, on board the spaceship Liberator: "Whilst in zero-gravity fixed orbit, Gem will remain viable for some hours... Extreme structural stress of (movement) would probably result in disintegration."

ka-os has been blasted by political leaders for his apparent lack of remorse. Shortly after the incident, he had this to say: "What the hell do I do now for a coffee table? Where do I put my wine? On the floor, so it can just be knocked over and wasted? I won't live like that, like an animal. I can't - I won't!"

Perhaps the final word should go to Steve McQueen. When asked what he thought should be done with Gem, he replied, "I think they should just leave it, kind of a monument to all the bull**** in the world."