Be Afraid. I Know I Am

TOWLEROAD REPORTS ON someone in a show I can't bare breaking his penis. Well, this can't pass without comment, really, can it? Boys, boys, boys, we don't really know much about our part (as seminal R&B group Ultimate Kaos referred to it in their last ever single, My Lover) do we? Did you know, for example, that "your penis is shaped like a boomerang. Just like you don't see all of a big oak tree above ground, you don't see the root of your penis tucked up inside your pelvis and attached to your pubic bone." You learn something new everyday. And here's what all the fuss is about: "There is no 'penis bone,' but you can break your penis all the same. It's called penile fracture, and it's not a subtle injury. When it happens, there's an audible pop or snap [and] the penis turns black and blue. And there's terrible pain." Well, that's just terrifying. I wonder if that's what Haydon was referring to in his unfathomable lyric "if you touch / my part / you'll hear a nasty sound..."

Walk

AN INSURANCE COMPANY (boo! hiss!) has come up with an alternative Tube map, showing the number of steps walked by the average person between Tube stations. Does London have such a thing as an average walker? People invariably hare about like storm troopers on crack (this is good) or shuffle along like stoned tortoises (this is bad). Never mind pedometers, what I want is a cattle prod. The purpose of the map is to encourage lazy people to exercise - the British Heart Foundation recommends we walk 10,000 steps per day, which will help protect against bad things like stroke, diabetes and cancer (the downside is you'll inhale lots of nasties from traffic, get harassed by chuggers, and might be run over one of the capital's many psychopathic bus drivers).

Spit Or Swallow?

HA! THAT GOT your attention, didn't it? Well, this isn't about "wine-tasting", it's about mouthwash (which you should never swallow, unless you're a serious alcoholic and the cooking wine has run out). As you all know, boffins think near enough everything causes cancer, including vitamin C and mobile phones. Now you can add mouthwash to that list. It seems that the ethanol in some mouthwashs encourages cancer-causing substances to permeate the mouth lining. Those substances include nicotine, but even those of us who don't smoke or drink (never trust a man who doesn't drink, I say) are at risk. A substance called acetaldehyde, described as a human carcinogen, can also be created - but Fag Ash Lils and imbibers are most at risk. You can still skip brushing your teeth and swill a bit of mouthwash about instead before tumbling into bed, after a night knocking back mother's ruin. Boffins behind the study recommend you switch to a mouthwash that doesn't contain alcohol.

More at Cancer Research UK.

Are You MAOA?

What sort of a drunk are you? Aggressive, silly, soppy, amorous?

Boffins in Finland seem to think that those of us who get a bit irate when they've had a few too many might have an "overactive gene" that's responsible. 'The MAOA gene produces an enzyme that breaks down brain chemicals involved with mood,' apparently. When alcohol is combined with the enzyme, it all goes a bit pear-shaped and Bad Things Start To Happen. It's not all bad news; it seems the effect diminishes with age - so there's hope for Amy Winehouse yet. The full article is here.

Gang Drugs, Injects HIV Blood At Sex Parties

Pictured: Random gay shenanigans.

Well now kids, how about this for a horror story? A gang drugged, raped and injected men with HIV-contaminated blood at sex orgies in Groningen, the Netherlands. There are fourteen alleged victims; twelve of the men are HIV positive or have full blown AIDS. The gang, three men aged 39, 49 and 50, plotted to infect their victims, luring them with sex parties promoted on the internet. Their motive isn't clear. The mind boggles.

Justin's Journal

Here at the ka-os blog, we'd like nothing more than to stop you looking at other blogs. Don't look at them! You can get everything you need right here. Trust me.

You might want to spend a little time with Justin, however. He's very cute and very engaging. And he's in moving pictures too - with sound!

Justin B Smith, in case you don't know, is HIV positive, and he's put together a HIV Journal to "hopefully save someone's life." It's a series of YouTube videos following his experiences, and it's incredibly intimate, moving and, thanks to Justin's effervescent personality, frequently funny.

After watching, I was left with a deep sense of anger that this is still happening, decades after the height of the virus in the eighties. That's not a judgement on Justin, it's questioning why we seemingly haven't learned our lesson. Why are gay men still having unprotected sex? I've already talked about my own close shave with the virus, and I know a lot of friends who've confessed (or even bragged) about barebacking. It's been well-documented that complacency has set in, that boys think having HIV can be fixed by popping a pill like a vitamin once a day. Justin's videos show the stark reality, and it's no walk in the park.

Watch his video journal. It's important. Just promise you won't go and download Bareback Cum Party afterwards.

You Have A Girl Brain

Those crazy boffins over at New Scientist.com (where, I'm sure, you kids are regulars) have come up with some brain scans that "provide the most compelling evidence yet that being gay or straight is a biologically fixed trait."

Yes indeed, your brain (and mine) is built like that of a straight female. In layman's terms, this means that if you sliced off the top of your skull, and the the tops of, say, George Dubya's and Oprah Winfrey's skulls, your little ole brain would resemble Miss Winfrey's and not Dubya's. This is probably a good thing. I could have said Paris Hilton and Nelson Mandela, but that wouldn't really have worked, would it?

In any case, some broad in a white coat called Ivanka Savic, who works for the Karolinska Institute (which sounds like something out of Lost) in Sweden (yes, really) has been faffing about with MRI scans, PET scans and peoples amygdala, which isn't as rude as it sounds (unfortunately). Should you wish to learn more, click the link above, because I can't really be bothered getting into it. Brain symmetry is a terrible bore.

Furthermore, I can't imagine what sort of picture I'd attach to this article, other than one of someone's brain, and that ain't gonna sell copy, so here's one of something completely unrelated.

150,000 Americans Masturbating Right Now!

Here at the ka-os blog, it isn't all doom, destruction, devastation and despair - we like a laugh too. And who better to provide it than the Christian right? Our friend The Official Queen of Shade supplies the giggles today, with this story on "the REAL number one public health problem in America today: masturbation." Bet you never guessed, huh, kids. Put your hands where I can see them now, and read on...

Masturbation This page is dedicated to exposing the REAL Number One Public Health Problem in America today: Masturbation. If you have come here looking for Jokes or Humor about Masturbation, then you have come to the wrong place! But if you have come to be Educated on the Straight Facts about the EVILS of Masturbation, then Welcome! The Problem Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's, this fact has been lost in the "if it feels good, do it" mentality. Myth Masturbation is harmless. Reality Christianity proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness. Myth There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS. Reality Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month! Myth Masturbation is not immoral. Reality Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason. Myth Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime." Reality Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators. Myth Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed. Reality Oral and anal sex are already illegal in several States, and people like it that way! Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas, and the Police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law, even going as far as to torture clerks that worked in stores that sold indecently-shaped soap and candles, and there has been no public outcry. Myth But everyone's doing it! Reality Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate. The Solution How to stop the current epidemic of Self-Abuse in America? We need the same tactics and the same kind of get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs! Control of Paraphernalia Drug abuse has been slashed by the outlawing of drug accessories such as syringes and marijuana pipes. If we are to get tough on Masturbation, we must eliminate Masturbatory paraphernalia. This means outlawing such things as: *Personal vibrators and other Masturbatory devices such as dildos and blow-up dolls. *All candles, no matter what their shape, must be banned. *All indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We don't need the Victoria's Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations. *Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate. Intensive Urine Testing Christians have discovered that men produce sperm cells constantly. All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man doesn't masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine. It would be very simple to require unmarried men to submit frequent urine samples, which could then be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having orgasms one way or another! Therefore he is guilty of either Masturbation or Fornication and should be imprisoned! Random urine testing in the War On Drugs has been a very powerful weapon! We should not hesitate to harness it for use in the War On Masturbation! Zero Tolerance! Zero Tolerance has been a rallying cry in the War On Drugs, and is a policy that should be enacted immediately in the War On Masturbation! Any amount of Masturbation is too much! Any person caught touching his or her genitals without a solid, medically-approved reason should be imprisoned in a boot camp. We will teach our children that God did not give us genitals for entertainment. Property Seizure Many police departments will seize the cars and homes of people who are caught with drugs. Americans For Purity has called for the homes and cars of people who are caught Masturbating to be taken away without due process and auctioned off, with the money going to anti-Masturbation law enforcement. Surgery Certain supposedly "primitive" tribes in Africa have completely eliminated Masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat accomplished? Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which is analogous to circumcision in the male. (Clitoridectomy has gotten a bad reputation in the West, but only because in Africa it is often done with crude instruments, without anesthesia, and under unsanitary conditions. When it is mandated in America it will, of course, be done in a sterile, modern operating room with anesthesia.) A woman who has had a Clitoridectomy is permanently cured of Masturbation and other lascivious behavior, but the Godless bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. have had the audacity to OUTLAW this operation! One of the main goals of Americans For Purity is to not only repeal the laws against Clitoridectomy, but to make it mandatory for female children (who will never miss the part that is removed if it is done early enough). And surgery isn't just for Females! Many have suggested Castration or Clitoridectomy for adult Males or Females that are repeat Masturbatory offenders. Chemotherapy In the last few years, Doctors have begun to use a class of drugs known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs such as Prozac and Celexa) to combat the Depression that accompanies Chronic Masturbation. The primary Therapeutic benefit of SSRIs is achieved by enhancing the action of Serotonergic neurons in the Raphe Nucleus of the midbrain that inhibit the Orgasm reflex. A patient who takes an SSRI is cured of Masturbation because he or she finds that it takes an hour of intensive effort to achieve a disappointingly anti-climactic Orgasm. After the patient gives up on Masturbating, his or her Depression improves dramatically. Officials are studying a plan to routinely add SSRIs to soft drinks and school meals.

Hungry? How About Some Cow Stomach?

Some of the UK's favourite chocolate bars (or candy, if you're American) have, since 1st May last year, been manufactured using rennet. As you all know, rennet is a chemical found in calve's stomachs, and is used to make whey.

What's all the fuss about, you might ask? How many of us knew what was in our confectionary before this news broke anyway? Well, I don't know what's in most chocolate bars; in fact, I doubt many chocolate products contain much in the way of cocoa. But what I didn't expect to hear was that something as wholesome and innocent (ha ha) as a Twix or Snickers bar was pumped full of something out of a baby animal's guts.

Masterfoods, who make Twix and Bounty - as well as Mars bars, Maltesers and Bounty - say the new constituent is due to a change in sourcing ingredients. The Vegetarian Society has branded the decision "incomprehensible".

Incomprehensible indeed. At a time when consumers are increasingly concerned about what's in their food, you have to wonder: why?

We're All Going To Die

That's the headline splashed across newspapers this week. Actually, that's not true - as usual, the Mainstream Media is more interested in irrelevant nonsense like politicians not declaring donations (yawn) and the Princess Diana inquest (shoot me please, I can't stand anymore). Who cares about the latest pandemic, eh? The potential pandemic is USA300, a strain of the MRSA bug (you know, the one the Mainstream Media loves to use to sling mud at politicians - "the Prime Minister isn't on his hands and knees scrubbing hospitals so taxpayers are dying" blah blah blah). The details are frightening. How does a flesh-eating form of pneumonia grab you? Tennis ball size lumps on the skin? Or fatal blood poisoning? That's what one in 588 people in the gay ghetto of Castro, San Francisco, are experiencing. USA300, you see, is said to be spreading in the gay community, and it's resistant to many antibiotics. It's spread through casual skin contact (and we all know the gays are partial to a bit of casual skin contact), with drug users and people involved in contact sport also at risk. Sound familiar? HIV come to mind at all? (HIV, in case you've forgotten, is that olden days disease that's been cured, which is why everyone is going bareback). But the Terrence Higgins Trust, had this to say: "This is not the new HIV. What we are seeing is the emergence of an infection that can be passed on through close skin to skin contact, including sex. It is worrying that one in ten of the American cases are resistant to antibiotics, but most cases are treatable." USA300 is a blessing for bible-bashing, God-fearing Americans. ChristianNewsWire (a site I visit daily, as you can imagine) sees the infection as confirmation that that geezer with a beard (he's called God, apparently) has it in for us bad, wicked Homosexuals. "Why won't the media make the common-sense connection between these frequent stories about (male) homosexual behavior and disease - and the notion that society should not celebrate homosexuality and bisexuality?" Society celebrating homosexuality? It'll be a cold day in hell.

Dying Is Easy, Surviving Is Hard

Who's seen cult science-fiction series Survivors, in which 99.9% of the world's population is killed in a global pandemic accidentally released from a laboratory and rapidly spread across the globe by prolific air travel?

It's unrelentingly bleak - pretty much everyone dies, either in the initial holocaust, or later on from starvation, at the hands of other survivors (probably after being raped or tortured), or from the rapid proliferation of diseases we thought had been wiped out, like typhoid et cetera. Oh, and then there's the legions of rats and packs of wild dogs running rampant in the cities...

One of the reasons for Survivors success was that the picture it painted was grimly realistic. Now the World Health Organisation (WHO) is warning in its annual report that just such a scenario is possible, precisely because of the heavy use of air travel. It warns that an epidemic in any part of the world is just a few hours away from threatening somewhere else.

The report says, "It would be extremely naive and complacent to assume that there will not be another disease like AIDS, Ebola, or Sars sooner or later."

So stock up on the bottled water and canned food - if Survivors is anything to go by, dying might be the easy option.

How Gay Do You Sound?

The boffins have been at it again, with researchers tackling the thorny issue of "gay-sounding" speech, and what makes it that way. Apparently, there's been at least three studies conducted, according to The Guardian; the first it mentions comes from Stanford University, who came up with a paper called Sounding Gay: Pitch Properties in the Speech of Gay and Straight Men. The men in white coats listened to a bunch of openly gay white American men and some "openly straight" white American men. (Openly straight? No, I'll leave that one alone...) The result of this was the realisation that the problem required more research, particularly into things like the pronunciation of sibilants, duration of vowels and voice equality.

Acoustic Correlates of Less-Masculine Sounding Speech is the next study, and it tagged two types of speech: LMS (less-masculine-sounding male speech) and MMS (more-masculine-sounding male speech). The boffins behind this research thought that the discovery of LMS and MMS "may have clinical relevance for patients wishing to modify the perception of masculinity invoked by their speech."

Last year, a team at the University of Minnesota published The Influence of Sexual Orientation on Vowel Production. It concluded that "gay men produced a more expanded vowel space than heterosexual men."

It's an interesting subject - who genuinely believes there's a gay sound of speech? Certainly, a lot of us sound gay, but is it universal? Are there degrees of gay speech, from Alex-out-of-Noah's Arc-obvious, to something more subtle only the trained ear picks up on. Do you think you sound gay? And how many of your friends sounds gay - and do you have any straight friends who speak LMS?

Answers on a postcard.

Death To Fag Ash Lil!

The country is half-flooded, Muslim nutjobs are trying to blow up Piccadilly Circus, Uncle Tony isn't Prime Minister any more, Fergie has a new single out, and Mad May has been carted off to the loony bin in EastEnders. Not a good week then, really.

It isn't all bad news, however, since from Sunday, smoking will be banned, outlawed, prohibited and forbidden, in public places across the country. Smokers are crying foul: their human rights have been eroded! Britain is turning into a nanny state! But their victims - those of us who've been choking on their putrid fumes for years - can rejoice. It's now going to be safe to enjoy a night out in pubs, bars and clubs, without having to endure a sore throat and stinking clothes the morning after - or even the odd burn from a rancid queen waving their fag about.

One tip for non-smokers though - since you won't be able to tell who is and who isn't an ash tray whilst you're within the walls of your favourite club, how can you tell if that boy you've picked up is a DL Fag Ash Lil.

Maybe it's time to bring back branding?

Oral Sex Linked To Throat Cancer

Here's a scary newsflash - NewScientist.com reports that those of us who have had more than five (just five!) oral sex partners are 250% more likely to contract throat cancer than those who don't have oral sex. I guess that means nuns and straight men are going to be okay, then.

The research team that uncovered this happy news discovered that this was due to human papillomavirus (HPV) - a virus implicated in cervical cancer - being transmitted through oral sex. The team hopes that their findings will encourage us all to use condoms - and whatever it is the Lesbians use - during oral sex, something I think is highly unlikely, given the wildfire spread of barebacking.

Still, the mention of cervical cancer should give all us battymen hope - I'm no boffin, but isn't it the female of the species who has the cervix? Maybe this HPV malarkey only effects the straights.

Here's hoping...

Cut Or Uncut?

"International experts have backed the use of male circumcision in the prevention of HIV."

That's the headline boys, and it's good news for a variety of reasons:

1) In the Serious Department, three trials in Africa showed that circumcision halved the rate of HIV infection in heterosexual men (well, let's just say in men, shall we?)

2) Studies have also shown that if circumcision was more widely available, millions of lives, particularly in sub-Saharan Africa, would be saved. 

3) What all of this proves is what I have suspected for some time: being cut is good! So cast off your hoods boys, secure in the knowledge that you're helping humanity - and whoever you're sleeping with!