THE WEEK ACCORDING TO GARÇON STUPIDE

*A bit lost cruising in Amsterdam? Park authorities have stepped in with helpful signage to point you in the right direction.

*Crime of passion in Latino gang - Christian "King Joker" Almonte guilty of stabbing lover Willie Escobar to death.

*"The homosexuals will not escape lynching. They will be fish food." Nine Senegalese AIDS activists are released from prison following condemnation by international human rights groups. The men had been sentenced to nine years in prison for homosexual acts.

*Remember last week's lesson in Ugandan journalism? Here's some more: "He was so horny. Like a hungry hyena that had spotted a piece of meat in its vicinity, he pounced on my dick and sucked it dry as he rubbed my body with massage oil. He caressed me for over 30 minutes and I felt as if I was on the 9th planet. He ensured I came. He then told me to suck his whopper. I obeyed. While at it, he groaned like a lioness suspecting danger for its cubs in a forest." It makes The Sun look high brow.

*It ain't all doom'n'gloom - Outsports.com looks at the former college football captain who was openly gay.

*Top 10 Reasons Gay Sex Rocks This Straight Boy's World, by Bow Wow. Ha ha, no, not really. Of course gay sex don't rock Bow Wow's world!

*And this pair of jokers have put together this fun activist clip:


*Blue are back together. Why, Simon, why? You were doing fine by yourself.

*Make Me White to air on BBC One.

*Usain Bolt hurts himself crashing his big BMW. Aw, come here boo, I'll kiss it all better for ya.

*It's hard work but someone's gotta do it: Michael Roberts stuck with lensing filthy Brazilian boy whores.

*And since we're on the subject of depraved boy whores, here's our favourite plastic fantastic, doing what he does - well, doing the only thing he does I give a flying f**k about, really - best. (Love how he's grinding his azz into the ugly dude behind him, whilst simultaneously grabbing a handful of booty - Dirty, Filthy, Little, Slut).

*Erik Rhodes forever and ever and ever... Sigh, if only...

*Now, this is what I call a beauty pageant. So I'm a leg man - sue me.

*Get into Butt.

*Having demanded the footage be released under the Freedom of Information Act, the Media presents damning footage of the 7/7 bombers, er, buying stuff in shops. "Hours before 7/7, bomber is picture of calm," The Independent reads. Of course he's calm, he's buying crisps and bottled water in a service station.

*This is Delayno and Romario, who were stabbed to death by their paranoid schizophrenic mother last year. A judge has ordered that she be detained indefinitely at a secure hospital. The tale of missed opportunities to save their lives is truly numbing.

*Labour is doomed, according to, well, a bunch of people. More depressing is the fact that Great Britain will be lumbered with a Conservative government, and a slimey former ad man for Prime Minister. Where's our Obama?

*That being the case, and with Blighty in trouble, why would people vote for David Cameron, who looks like a frumpy lesbian? I ask this because boffins at the University of Kent believe we prefer "masculine or older faces" in a period of war. And Cameron is neither.

*Here in the West, we turn to the far right when things go tits up. In Japan, they're doing things a little differently. The Japanese Communist Party advocates "democratic change within the current framework of capitalism" and disillusioned young voters are lapping it up.

*Speaking of disillusioned young voters, this one ain't too impressed with government proposals to allow faith schools to preach against sex outside marriage and homosexuality.

*Tesco is attacked by environmental activists. With paint. Green paint.

*Gang warfare at Ealing Hospital following yet another stabbing death...

*...Whilst this jail bait ho posts sexy snaps for his homothug bitches on the outside. "I'll be out in two weeks," he promises. Well break out the lube, 'low condoms, innit.

*Aliens on Mars!

*The Espresso Book Machine!

*Eels crisis!

*Freeing Willy was wrong. He didn't get on with the other killers in the 'hood, see.

*Spain's boy bullfighter. Anita Brooks for The Independent writes: "The young rival of the handsome toreros," trumpeted El Mundo newspaper, which published a photo of the teen naked, showing his 20cm scar. The interview gushes about his mother's advice – "watch out for the women" – and his maturity." Efforts to find El Mundo's picture have proved fruitless. Sigh...

*"Schools must teach pupils about babies, Aids and sex". Probably 'cos most parents are incompetent, dumb f**kwits, whose sole ability is to breed.

*The World's Most Endangered Places!

*The World's Most Liveable Cities! Baghdad comes bottom of the poll - gee, who would've thought?

*Maybe 9/11 re-enactments didn't help NYC score higher on that list - I mean, really, didn't anyone actually sit down and think this through?

*And London ain't helped its case with posters like this on the Underground - the only thing missing from this How Do I Get To...? is the Samaratins and the Assisted Suicide Clinic.

*Perez Hilton vs. Carrie Prejean: made for each other?

*We're all going to die! Yeah, still. And having cried wolf so many times before, the media seems to have finally twigged that we've twigged.

*100 year-old Rita Levi-Montalcini and her daily doses of nerve growth factor. Well, I'm convinced.

*Moderate wine drinkers live longer than boring teetotallers. What about slightly more-than-moderate wine drinkers? Do we live a wee bit longer, at least? Yes?

*Food, Inc. It'll make you sick.

*Windows 7 with touchscreen. Well, I'm all for a bit of touching...

*So how big is the internet, exactly?

ISSUE 07

On the cover: Marcel, by Dylan Rosser.

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