The gay story arc Hollywood didn't want in Die Hard

The Parodical

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Die Hard has long been known as the heartwarming Christmas tale that put It's A Wonderful Life out of business, but few movie buffs know about the romantic first act director John McTiernan was forced to cut just weeks before principal photography was due to commence.

It's the question film fans have been asking since 1988: Why did Argyle, the plucky chauffeur who picks up New York cop John McClane from LAX, wait around in the basement of Nakatomi Plaza all night? Leaked documents, exposed for the first time by Sony hackers, have revealed the truth, so we asked some of the key cast and crew what it all means...

"Die Hard was based on Roderick Thorp's novel Nothing Lasts Forever," McTiernan says. "But when it came to the screenplay, we felt it needed something. We holed up for a weekend at [screenwriter] Jeb Stuart's ranch, staring at a blank sheet of paper. Nothin'. We couldn't figure out a way to make it work."

Jeb Stuart: "The question I kept coming back to was, why is McClane in New York and Holly in LA? These guys ain't the Huxtables. I turned to John and said, what's the real story there?"

"McClane is a homosexual," McTiernan grins. "His marriage to Holly was a fraud. As soon as we cracked that, the whole first act wrote itself. It became, what happened between John McClane and Argyle on the way to Nakatomi Plaza."

Bruce Willis takes up the story. "You got to understand, this was before Michael Sam made it okay to date outside your race. It just wasn't done in the '80s. Spike Lee heard about what we were planning and threatened to pull Reg [VelJohnson, who played Sgt. Al Powell] from the picture. We needed Reg. Without Reg, we didn't have a picture."

"We shot a love scene," De'voreaux White - who played Argyle - claims. "In the back of that limo. The crew used dry ice to steam up the windows, and I dragged my hand down it." White shakes his head bitterly. "James Cameron used that shot in Titanic, but we did it first. Me and Bruce."

"Was there sex? Sure there was sex," McTiernan says. "We had Argyle riding McClane like a prize rodeo champion. This was a passionate, sexual affair, love at first sight, fireworks, everything."

Jeb Stuart interjects, "But this wasn't a story about pure lust. This was love. Argyle showed McClane - this hard, closeted New York cop - his world; the voguing, the tea, the shade. It was gay Los Angeles in the late '80s. We were going to shoot at Mother Load and Studio One. We were talking to Gene Anthony Ray about making a cameo."

"In the original script, McClane went to the party at Nakatomi to let Holly know he was  homosexual," De'voreaux White says. "He was going to take off with Argyle in the limo, head for a new life in San Francisco. Die Hard 2 would've been a gay road movie." A note of bitterness creeps into White's voice again. "Spike f**king Lee. He really did a number on me."

"There were too many obstacles in our path," McTiernan concedes. "I guess we were just ahead of our time."

For LGBT audiences, that missing first act will always remain painfully out of reach.

President Obama has confirmed "he will do more than ever to increase agricultural yields".

*This news item is fictitious.

Previously on The Parodical