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BEST FRIENDS FOREVER NEVER

SLAPPERS, SLUTS, HOES, skanks, slags, dawgs... Whatever you want to call usthem, promiscuous gay men get a bad rap, for many a misdemeanour: breaking hearts, home-wrecking, spreading this, that and the other... But give a hoe a break. They're usually upfront about who they are and what they want. And even if they aren't, is it their fault you don't have the smarts to see it?

More toxic than the hoe is the Pretend Friend. He's the guy who wants to be more than just friends, and when he can't have it, settles for friendship. Or, at least, he pretends to settle for friendship. He works his way under your skin, crawls into your mind, slowly becoming the best friend, or brother, you never had.

You grow to depend on him, wondering how you ever got by without him. Any guilt you feel for not being what he wanted gradually fades away: this is better! You're Best Friends Forever! Sex is easy to come by in The Life, but real, true friends? They're rare.

Holidays are planned, he meets your friends, and borrows your DVDs. You confide your deepest, darkest secrets, and share your hopes and dreams.

And then-

He gets a boyfriend. The boyfriend he always wanted.

All he really wanted.

What about you? You're yesterday's news. Your usefulness is at an end. Later!

BFFs? Ha! Don't make me laugh. He didn't want to be your friend. He just wanted you to be his boyfriend. "We no longer have a position for you. We're sorry, but we're going to have to let you go."

And don't expect to see those DVDs you lent him ever again. He's probably thrown them in the trash.

Pictured: An extreme example of a Pretend Friend, Benjamin "Crazy Guy" Patterson in Noah's Arc.

6 comments:

DELLA REESE said...

OK! THEY HAD BETTER START SEEING THROUGH THESE PRETENDERS!!

thegayte-keeper said...

Saw the pretenders from a mile away...

Joseph said...

The Lying hoe is by far more toxic. I love and respect a bonafide honest hoe, but a lying hoe who likes to control and manipulate people to serve his or her own insecurities and fears of being alone is the most toxic creature around. A lying hoe pretends he's secure in his promiscuity, but really wants promiscuity plus control of his romantic and platonic relationships. A lying hoe uses promiscuity as a weapon to protect himself from the vulnerability of honesty and loyalty. It is so easy to say that the victims of lying hoes are just too dumb (not smart enough) to figure out what a lying hoe is about. That's the furthest from the truth. Lying hoes pretend to want loyalty, but what they really want is power and control of the relationships in their lives. Lying hoes work hard to ensnare the loyalty of others, only to discard it when loyalty is no longer utilitarian.

That's why lying hoes always end up suffering for their dishonest promiscuity. (Why are lying hoes so afraid to be honest, what are they afraid of, that us honest hoes might leave them???) Their lies are a power trip that inevitably comes back to haunt them and damage them much much much more than the honest people they themselves have damaged. Karma is more than a word, but a cosmic Reality. As a victim of a lying meth-addict hoe who left me homeless (stole rent money for tricks and tina), I know very well that in the end the lying hoe suffers way more for his lies, disloyalty and manipulativeness.

Mr. Garcon be an honest hoe. Being a lying, power-tripping hoe is dangerous, and will inevitably hurt and haunt you. This is more than a warning, but a certainty.

tdot said...

Ha, I've had this happen to me on a few occasions, by both males and females. I does take the piss but I got over it. To be honest I'll probably do the same thing to someone one day, and won't even realise I'm doing it. Such is life..(oh and I'm back :p)

Garçon Stupide said...

You've left a trail of broken hearts in your wake, T, but it was done in innocence.

Forbidden Light said...

'Nuff said

I'd hate to be the guy who inspired this one...

 
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