Mommie dearest

In the wake of Mother's Day, popular blogger Prince Toddy English gives a different take on gay boys and their mamas. Toddy lives in Houston, Texas.

I AM NOT ashamed to let it be known that Mother's Day is not a holiday that I actively revel in, at all. As a matter of fact, while shopping for a Mother's Day card, I methodically selected a card that did not go out of it's way to say, "Oh you are the BEST mommy in DEE world!"

That would be a complete and total lie because mine was not.

My mother was extremely: selfish, emotionally abusive/unavailable, and a narcissist. While she had her moments of maternal: kindness, loving, and selflessness, they were few and far between (and when I grew up they were almost non-existent). She did not protect me from anything. She ignored me; and when I was acknowledged it was to mould me into something that was not me. Due to that I grew up with a multitude of issues (one being "best little boy in the world" syndrome) that I am in counselling for to this day.

Her idea of being a "good mother" was akin to being a good dog owner: feed it, shelter it, take it to the doctor, and play with it occasionally and voila... You get an exceptional pet. I never wanted for material things, at all. However, emotionally, she was more barren than the Sahara. That said...

Up until yesterday (and a few weeks ago, when my beloved Sir Ashton Winston Churchill went to the rainbow bridge) I have not spoken to nor seen my mother in nearly a year. It was for the best because there were so many feelings that I needed to process through. Whatever the case may be...

After allowing myself to hate her guts and mourn the childhood that she denied me I've finally come to terms with the fact that she will never be the type of parent that I needed her to be. She is, and was, completely incapable and ill equipped.
To that end I've finally acknowledged, to myself, that I don't owe her anything (especially not my life) just because she decided to give birth.

So the card I gave her simply said, "Dear mother, I will always love you no matter where I go."

Truth be told I do love my mom (in the sense of pitying her), but she was really fucked up (no way around it). Now, more than ever, in her own way she realizes that, because I see it in her actions towards me now. Instead of using me as crutch or a little surrogate husband she is instead supporting me in my choices and decisions, in addition to showing me the affection that she should have ages ago. I guess she is, in her own way, trying to apologize without actually apologizing.

I think that is when I stopped hating her. Knowing that she is now trying helped me to achieve some sense of closure. I share all of this to say that...

If you don't have a relationship with your mother, or even flat out hate her guts, that you should not feel guilty... Nor are you alone.

We are trained to just view motherhood as perfection personified. That is not true. Most of us are not fortunate enough to have that mother. Sometimes we get one that is emotionally bereft and it sucks.

For me, this Mother's Day was the best because I took the time to see my mother in totality, not as some super hero. She was messed up, but she is trying to make amends. So I just decided to meet her half way there.


Unknown said...

Sir English,

Much love to you always. I really don't have any words to express. Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes it's hard to say sorry, so instead some people tend to act it out as best as possible. It's good to meet her half way since she is trying, and I'm glad that you're open to it.

Hope it all blossoms into the love you deserve.

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