KAOS

THE WEEK ACCORDING TO GARÇON STUPIDE

*Hell hath no fury... A student from west London is convicted of setting his ex-boyfriend on fire.

*Amazon wages stealth war on gays - a pretty dumb move, if you ask me, given the power of our pounds (and dollars). "No no no! It was all a mistake!" they protested. A little too much, and a little too late.

*Esquire grovel a bit too, following their earlier act of war.

*The airlines are at it too: "If there was a male flight attendant it would be thought that he was gay and the owner would not tolerate such an individual on the aircraft."

*But we're not taking it lying down - rum dump at Stonewall!

*And Amnesty International is demanding action from Iraq's leaders over the murder of dozens of young men and boys at the hands of Baghdad death squads.

*So presumably, Amnesty isn't spending all its time promoting homosexuality in liberal Uganda. I guess they can leave the distribution of free Falcon DVDs to Unicef and Human Rights Watch.

*Far-right Dutch MP Geert Wilders plans a sequel to his anti-Koran film, Fitna. "Unfortunately, there are only a few leaders who are standing up and saying our freedom of speech principles are more important than appeasing Islam." If this is the sound of the far-right, sign me up.

*No gay dorm in Texas - hopes of frat fun fade.

*1,500 farmers commit mass suicide in India. Yes, you read it right - 1,500 souls.

*White is right - apparently. The white invaders are still telling the natives what to do with their land, to the detriment of its rightful owners.

*If there's one thing Americans love more than their bibles, it's their guns. Roll up, roll up, it's the NRA vs President Obama! (gee, I don't know if I can decide whose side I'll take).

*I can guess whose side white supremacists are on, however. Is Obama a recruiting tool for right-wing extremists? I wonder if this is what Trevor Phillips meant when he said this.

*Obama could be given the power to shut down the Internet. Well, at least it's Obama. I doubt his predecessor knows what the Internet is.

*The European Commission (oooohh, scary) isn't happy with Britain's failure to protect its citizens from secret surveillance on the internet; launches inquiry.

*Rotherham boy plunges into vat of caustic soda.

*A Slow Down London festival is planned. Organisers say the festival is an opportunity for people to stop rushing around. Do we really need Joe Public to move any slower than it does already? Get me to the nearest agriculture supplier, 'cos I'm gonna need a cattle prod for this.

*A little bit of Tokyo comes to London. But Oxford Circus will always be as close to hell on Earth as you can get, no matter what they do to it.

*The death of the parking meter. A collective outpouring of grief isn't expected.

*The police need a hand.

*Independent Police Complaints Commission remind a power-mad, out-of-control Metropolitan Police that they are our "servants not the masters". Watch the astonishing attack by a Met police officer on a protester here.

*ER writers must be thinking, "Doh! Why didn't I think of that?" You couldn't make it up really: the man with a fir tree growing inside his lung. At least it wasn't a cactus.

*We're all going to die! (Again).

*Boffins figure out how to diagnose cancer from one speck of blood.

*And the award for News I Don't Want To Hear goes to... Wine drinkers 'pile on calories'.

*As many as 2000 Orangutans discovered in a remote corner of Indonesia.

*And on a slightly smaller scale, the community of microbes that breathe iron. They've been cut off from the rest of the world for 1.5 million years. Well, the party's over, kids, mankind's coming to f**k things up!

*Dubai: a city built on credit and ecocide, suppression and slavery.

*Polar bear attack!

*Dolphin force field!

*Lego Jesus Christ!

*Spooky snow rollers!

*Marlon Brando gives head!

*Summer of Archie!

*"Chinese views towards black people are not sophisticated, partly because it is not very common to see any in the cities and even less in the country," Beijing residents tell The Times. Introducing Ding Hui.

*Adrian Peterson is a big boy, and he wants to get bigger. Well go ahead, sweetheart, don't let us stop you. (By the way, take your shirt off...)

*...Like plastic boy slut Cristiano Ronaldo...

*...Or naked royal whore Jonathan Rhys-Meyers...

*...'cos Enrique ain't gonna: "I don't look good naked. I've got chicken legs and my balls hang too low. I hear they get lower and saggier as you get older, and that's f**ked up. I'll have to tuck mine into my socks."

*Someone who loves nudity is ka-os|theory crush Roman Heart, who's now apparently all grown-up (i.e. he's now a hunk, rather than a twink). Awwwwww. Falcon claim he's appeared on more magazine covers than any other gay male pornstar.

*But is he the Best Bottom Porn Star? QC Sex Chronicles asks who is. (For the record, my vote goes to Kidd).

*Bad boy 4rgy? Tyrese, Omarion, Keith and Chris (presumably swearing off women - and who can blame him?) play together.

*Boy love in video. Now, that's what I call a music video.

*Deconstructing the racial politics of gay porn: Race Cooper.

*"Advice on how to make sure your kids turn out gay, not to mention your students, your parishoners, your therapy clients, or your military subordinates, is less ubiquitous than one might think." Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, 1950-2009.

ISSUE 05

WAR OF THE BOOTY!

SO WHO'S GOT the phattest azz?

ka-os|theory favourite Shorty J, pictured with bootylicious Rafael Alencar. It doesn't get much better than that.

The boys were at California's Erotic Expo. There's an even bigger wad of photos from the event at Rafael's sexy blog.

ELSEWHERE - Rafael Alencar.com

LENSED

"You don't take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it..."
LENSED: IMAGE IS EVERYTHING

Walter Kurtz lenses ka-os|theory favourite model Wendel Lissimore. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

Oh, and I got asked for ID buying liqour yesterday in Tesco. The woman kind of wrinkled her nose and looked at me funny when I lugged my basket of booze up onto her check-out, but I thought she was just disgusted at my 6 bottles of white (hell, 5% discount on 6 bottles, gur'. I ain't drinking 'em all at once). Then she asked me for ID. I guess my hard drinking ain't taking its toll on my boyish good looks.

Now, where can I buy that stuff for dark rings under the eyes, again...?

EVERYTHING LENSED

ELSEWHERE - Walter Kurtz (Official)

Out of breath

I HATE TO WRITE a negative book review.

The reviews I prefer to write are about books that make a lasting impression, that stand out. Books that deserve a wider audience.

After all, why knock someone who's tried? It's only when it's clear the author has a total lack of respect for his reader (James Earl Hardy) or has a racist agenda (James Earl Hardy) do I feel the need to speak out. In other words, if I don't have anything good to say, I'd rather not say anything at all. Unless I really, really have to.

When I started reading Blair R. Poole's Breathe, I had high hopes. It seemed like a sweet coming of age story. Yes, our protagonist, "quintessential hip-hop teenager", Nafiq, is a cliché, albeit a potentially intriguing and likeable enough cliché. There's the promise of a story: Nafiq is the perfect son, the perfect student, the perfect athlete et cetera. When will the pressure make him snap?

Fortunately, in the world of Breathe, everyone is flawlessly beautiful, sexy, popular and sought after - but only when they're African-American or, at a stretch, Latino. Breathe, you see, is an imitation of the same blaxploitation crap that Poole's apparent inspiration James Earl Hardy peddles: a dreary world of conservative, successful, beautiful black folk who all go to church, preach the value of family, and in the meantime, get up to all sorts of soap opera nastiness on the down low; lying, cheating and sexing everyone and anyone who's flawlessly beautiful, sexy, successful, and, of course, African-American. And deriding white folk at every opportunity is a must, because the wholesale denigration of Caucasians is a badge of honour.

Somewhere along the line in Breathe, the author gets bored with Nafiq's story and decides to cut to Nafiq's sister and her down low fiancée. Her story is an even longer string of clichés, ripped straight from an E. Lynn Harris novel, and even more clumsily told. There's no attempt at insight, no depth. Every negative emotion is depicted along the lines of "he shook his head sadly".

Well, a puppy might droop its head sadly if you tell it off, but if a teenager is shunned by his parents, and kicked out of the parental home, we'd expect a little more in the way of insight. Maybe the author could invest some of the proceeds from the sales of the book in a good thesaurus.

At the end of Breathe I felt truly robbed of my time. I could have been reading something more worthwhile - like a Mills & Boon romance, which would at least have had more depth, probably have made better use of the English language, and not have left such a nasty taste in the mouth. And that's really saying something.

One lesson I did take away from Breathe, however, was a useful counter-argument to the lie that white people are responsible for perpetuating the thug stereotype. Blair R. Poole and his ilk are educated, and - at the least - middle-class African-Americans, who are clearly in the thrall of thug DL culture. Their sole intended audience is the African-American community. Lightweight fluff like Breathe is pure blaxploitation, by black Americans, for upwards of middle-class black Americans, and strictly off limits to whites.

That's fine by me - Mister Poole, you're welcome to keep your hypocrisy, your lies, your church, and your grim stereotypes. It's all yours - I hope you and your flawlessly beautiful, sexy, popular and sought after African-American brothas have a great time with it all.

...out of time

"The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there..."

Safe sex advertising campaigns - but do they actually work? OUT OF TIME replaces StepBack.

LENSED

"You don't take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it..." LENSED: IMAGE IS EVERYTHING

The photography of Kevin McDermott. ELSEWHERE - Kevin McDermott.com EVERYTHING LENSED

LENSED

"You don't take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it..." LENSED: IMAGE IS EVERYTHING

Photographer Sean Watters lenses model and singer Tanz. ELSEWHERE - red models new york EVERYTHING LENSED

DISCOGRAPHIC

THERE'S USUALLY AT least one song in the Eurovision Song Contest that turns me on.

Last year, it was No Angel's Disappear, which, like every Eurovision song I support, polled badly in the votes.

It's probably 'cos they is German, innit. As Europop goes, Disappear is top of the pops, a soaring slice of melodrama, a paean to pain, loss and regret - and we love a bit of that, don't we kids? (I sure as hell do, especially when I'm knocking back the sauce).

The video is a joy too, and you might even get a cold shiver around 2:52 (well, I do, anyway). More enjoyable still is the Eurovision performance, where they look like knackered drag queens. There's lots of fireworks, vogueing and head rolling. And the redhead looks like she was released from the mental hospital especially for the show. But, kids, this week's Discographic has a sting in it. One of the girls in No Angels, Nadja Benaissa, is HIV-positive, and she's allegedly been having unprotected sex without informing her partners of the fact. The BBC reported today that she was arrested in Frankfurt prior to a concert and could face charges of grievous bodily harm: "The prosecutor's office in the western town of Darmstadt said Ms Benaissa had been detained because of the 'urgent suspicion' that she slept with three people between 2004 and 2006, without telling them she was HIV-positive." Last week, I wrote about my own experience of someone attempting "grievous bodily harm" via unprotected sex, which provoked some strong views. Your thoughts on the tune, and the breaking news, are sought.

THE WEEK ACCORDING TO GARÇON STUPIDE

*Gays are so stupid they'll only pay attention to Nice Pretty Fun Things. (Hmm... I wonder how they managed to get that Mini into a condom? Maybe I'll try that with mine.)

*Last week we talked about the woman who bit off her boyfriend's tongue. Continuing that theme, we'll now discuss two Polish boys and what happened when they got into a heated debate over a... er, trailer.

*And the award for Most Depressing Story of the Week goes to... Sunny South Africa! Imagine a story fashioned out of the following words: HIV, drugs, teens, abuse and you'll be on the right track.

*Just what in God's name are we eating? The FSA is here to tell you! (I guess I'll be depressed to discover just how much salt/saturated fat/Other Bad Things feature in my favourite KFC family size bucket.)

*First big budget flick for the ugliest place on Earth. The A-Rabs are plotting other escapades too. They want to rip her wings off and ship her out to their tawdry, slave-built concrete horror. Don't let them get Concorde!

*Poor, sweet boy... Why do teachers never, ever do a damn thing to stop things like this happening? They're as guilty as the perpetrators, and I hope their guilt drives them to the same fate as little Carl.

*And another young life cut short, Lashon Lee Douglas Jr., discarded in a highway dumpster.

*So the Met police killed an innocent man. What's new?

*Aww, Uncle Tony hasn't gone away, he's just been resting up for a while. And now he's back wagging his finger at the Pope. Naughty Pope!

*BNP could gain seats in the European Parliament in June. File under: That Can't Be Good.

*Hold the front page! Homo Britannicus put back on the wrong shelf. Raised voices in the library, gurrrll!

*Beware the forked tongue. There's no such thing as moderate Islam, but there is such a thing as a Trojan horse. And that's what Tariq Ramadan is.

*Speaking of which, the Americans might have ousted a dictator, but they left intact an even more wretched force: Islam. The New York Times reports on the deaths of 25 boys and men accused of being gay.

*Meanwhile in another backward hellhole, two brothers are fined for popularizing homosexuality. Their crime? They had organised demonstrations protesting against homophobia.

*The Bad Guys shun us, but the Good Guys welcome us.

*And whilst NYC is goes all pink, Japan goes green.

*Back in Blighty, the Tate Modern gets planning permission for its extension. Looks alright, I suppose.

*Hugh Jackman's got the hump about his unfinished Wolverine getting leaked by some jackass (ha ha, geddit?) I don't blame him.

*The end is nigh as the first of four Doctor Who specials airs tonight. "The Doctor’s facing the end of his life, it’s going to get dark," showrunner Russell T. Davies says of the future. And The Times quotes Paterson Joseph, the first black Doctor who never was, saying, "That nobody was up in arms over a black actor being considered is a great change from 20 years ago."

*Coronation Street to get a big old lezzer? Well, it's only taken 49 years.

*Gays will panic: NBC threatens an SVU minus Christopher Meloni.

*OMG! Sydney didn't die after all!

*"Chris is a mess. He lost a lot of weight, about 15 lbs. I do know that Chris is also in a depression and is drinking a lot. He almost got his butt kicked about a week ago." Well, I hope all you f**king evil, judgemental bitches are h

appy with yourselves. Yeah, I'm talking to YOU. And what?

*And since we're on the subject, they ought to use anti-hate laws to lock these pr**ks up. They're inciting violence. Oh, except America's got freedom of speech laws instead, so you're allowed to do that there. Doh!

*Darian bigs up Trey. And I must say, I'm slowly coming around to the no-corn rows look, after some initial doubts. But Trey, enough of the tattoos already, yeah?

*We need more boy bands/all male singing groups - but maybe not this? This isn't 1998. We don't need groups with really bad puns for names. I mean, really, As Bro? (Still, I'd happily do the four on the right. Not so much the one on the left.)

*Aww, Bow Wow, you so cute, you so gay. So when's the next sleepover with Omarion? Or are you banging Romeo these days? I can't keep up with you fast'n'easy young 'uns!

*A 100ft Dalek!

*The Penis Festival of Japan!

*Gay pizza!

*Gay elephant!

*Sex for meat!

*A megamouth for greedy mouths.

*This is cute, but I'd rather have an action replay of the post-game locker room orgy. What? That doesn't happen? Well it did in Bareback Soccer Orgy. Huh? That wasn't a documentary? Oh.

*How To Spot A Lame, Lame Argument.

*And finally, just for a laugh, "a new McDonald's outlet has been inundated with job applicants, among them bankers... and accountants". Boo-hoo! Breaks your heart, doesn't it? It'll probably be the first honest days work any of them have done.