I no longer think about Taylor everyday, as I did in the weeks after his death. I'd be paralysed if I did. Grieving is new to me, never having had someone close die on me. That terrible pain that comes first, the crying, the terrifying sense of loss, waking up and realising he's not there anymore, slowly subsiding to a dull pain.
Now, I see his ghost on my blog: Taylor Siluwé is still a follower of ka-os|theory on Google Friend Connect, on Facebook. Or I see a comment he once left on a post on my blog, or someone else's. His books are on my bookcase. A picture, something, and I remember. It hurts, but I don't want to stop hurting, because that would mean pushing him to the back of my mind, or worse, forgetting.
A day or two ago, a picture popped up on Facebook. It was a picture of Taylor and his partner Trel, who Taylor loved deeply, and with whom he spent his last days. Trel is fiercely protective of Taylor, and Taylor's memory, and I was relieved that he was happy to consent to me sharing this beautiful image, of a beautiful couple. It's all there: Taylor, giving that sexy face we know and love, fiercely protective of his baby boy; Trel, looking lovingly at Taylor like that. And their hands, intertwined, unbreakable, telling us everything we need to know.
I asked Trel to tell me a little about the picture: "It was taken outside of the Hard Grove Cafe (Jersey City, NJ) on 'Same Sex Hand Holding Day' last year after we ate lunch. He took the picture using his BlackBerry, it was the forth time we took the picture, and this was the best fitting one considering I gave him the side eye all the time, and he always expressed his 'sexy' with the furrowed brows and puckered lips lol. As lighthearted as the picture is, the strength in our interlocked fingers reflect the pride and strength we had as a couple and the plans we we're determined to set into motion... Sadly it's one of the few pics him and I have with each other, when it came to pictures we only really trusted each other in catching a 'perfect' moment in time."
Thanks to Trel for sharing this.