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Gem Killed In Freak Accident


THE ICONIC GEM has been killed in a freak accident at a tragically young age.

Born in Italy before moving to London, Gem has had an incalculable impact on lives of people across the world.

It happened today in London, at around 1400GMT. Reports tell of "over-aggressive" a vacuuming on the part of ka-os, who caused the accident. Whilst thrusting the vacuum forward, a glancing blow caught Gem's right-hand corner, shattering the tempered glass instantly.

Condolences are already pouring in from across the globe. President Bush had this to say: "This is a horrific accident. I think I can speak for all the American people in sending my contortions to President Blair, and let this be known: we will not rest until the purple-ators of this crime have been brought to justice. Yippee kay aye, you bad folk."

Patsy Stone of London was equally moved. "You can never have enough hats, gloves and shoes." When asked to clarify her comments, she replied, "Yeah cheers thanks a lot."

In Anytown, Arizona, fan Jimmy Jr. White led an emotive demonstration. "Oh my God I can't believe this has happened. Like, why did they do this? Gem was so beautiful, Gem was my whole life! They killed Gem! And the Government is just going to hush it up as if nothing happened!"

In London, a member of grime outfit 'Lethal Raskal Cru' were more pragmatic: "This is just what's going down on the streets innit, Gem was on it still, that shit was chong, blud, you get me. Bare waste is going down still, standard . You know dis!"

Initially, there were hopes that Gem could be salvaged, but these were quickly dashed by super computer Zen, on board the spaceship Liberator: "Whilst in zero-gravity fixed orbit, Gem will remain viable for some hours... Extreme structural stress of (movement) would probably result in disintegration."

ka-os has been blasted by political leaders for his apparent lack of remorse. Shortly after the incident, he had this to say: "What the hell do I do now for a coffee table? Where do I put my wine? On the floor, so it can just be knocked over and wasted? I won't live like that, like an animal. I can't - I won't!"

Perhaps the final word should go to Steve McQueen. When asked what he thought should be done with Gem, he replied, "I think they should just leave it, kind of a monument to all the bull**** in the world."

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