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"You don't take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it..."

LENSED: IMAGE IS EVERYTHING

WELL. THE EASTER weekend is looking up.

Urban Shotz Photography has blessed us with fresh images of ka-ostheory favourite Francis, whose lips are one of the great natural wonders of the world.

And with the first of four Doctor Who specials making its debut on Saturday, Urban Shotz has released some Dalektastic snaps (below) exclusively to ka-ostheory.

It's a relief the model holding the Dalek isn't Francis. Had it been, my head would have exploded.

Previously - LENSED: Francis II

Previously - LENSED: Francis I

Elsewhere - Urban Shotz Photography

...out of time

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DISCOGRAPHIC

DISCOGRAPHIC: VIDEO CLASSICS YOU NEED TO KNOW, EVERY TUESDAY...

YOU WOULDN'T THINK that a video about a woman with a giant heart - literally, a giant heart - could be truly profound.

This little number is a joy, and is as clever as it is beautifully simple. It's like a searing, punchy indie film squeezed into four minutes. And how adorable is the Big Heart Lady? Don't you just wanna hug her?

I was the Big Heart Lady once upon a time. As my relationship with Lacy rapidly deteriorated, I took to walking the streets of Manhattan at all hours, just to avoid being around him, looking for someone, anyone. Unfortunately, I was a very naive teen, and I didn't have the skills to get what I was looking for. When I think back to the fun I could have had, if only I'd been able to read the signs...

Another chance? I wish.

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BACK IN JANUARY, when 2009 was a tight, virgin bitch, you lot had the pleasure to view the sexy, gleaming photography of Alex-Ade Ogundiran. Those pictures could be found in his book, The Nude Book, the profits of which go to The Campala Foundation "a non-profit organization which, through workshops that empower and teach simple trades in impoverished areas, strives to tackle poverty in Western and Southern Africa". There's a few more snaps from that book at Beautiful, along with a 20% discount code for the book. Sadly, you can't buy the book if you're unfortunate enough to live outside the Empire of America, so I'm not going to put the code up here. I'm going to sulk instead and be childish. If you want it you'll have to go and find it at Beautiful.

Planet Of The Dead: Trailer

THIS IS A LITTLE late, having gone out last Wednesday.

But like that trolley dolly said in Die Hard 2, "we're just like British Rail, love, we may be late but we get you there" (I know, my references are so high brow).

Planet of the Dead is one of four Doctor Who specials to air this year, before a full season with a new lead actor airs in 2010. A TfL bus in the desert? That's imagery to die for...

THE WEEK ACCORDING TO GARÇON STUPIDE

*Gay porn in goverment! (Or is it?)

*And whilst I don't mind paying for gay porn, I refuse to pay for a government minister's husband to watch straight porn. Oh, wait, I don't have a choice. Pesky taxes. If she wasn't such a greedy pig with her snout in the trough, one could almost feel sorry for Jacqui Smith's cringeworthy humiliation.

*Maybe she should have kept hubby in line by biting his tongue off. It worked for her.

*So, with hubby at home tossing himself off at the taxpayer's expense, poor old Jacqui wasn't thought fit to see President Obama. Apparently, he was in town this week...

*...trying not to get deafened by his old friend Silvio. Luckily an old Queen was on hand to protect him. "What is it? Why does he have to shout?" she demanded of the world's leaders. No one thought to say, "Because he's Italian."

*200 children out to get YOU.

*But wait! We're safe until 2070.

*Which is good news, because this nearly happened on the very trains I catch everyday at my local station.

*You big, fat copycat!

*The BBC is to blame for kids swearing, talking back and wearing their uniforms in a sloppy fashion...

*...AND a national power surge!

*Yes, EastEnders did what EastEnders does best, pinning its audience against the wall, bitch-slappping it - playing some cruel mind games along the way - then leaving us broken and despairing. It works for me. But not everyone enjoyed it, apparently.

*The Wire's Dominic West should have been watching on Thursday night. He might not have said, "We [in the UK] don't seem to be able to do contemporary stuff." He was talking about the state of drama on British television.

*The (Gay) Apprentice!

*Jamie Foxx wrestles with a strange man in his hotel room.

*Gay India on film.

*And, er, Bruno! Apparently, "It's basically ze most important documentary made about a hot vhite guy since Passion Of Ze Christ!"

*Sugar too.

*Omarion, what you trying it for? I mean, really? Bow Wow's just gonna get jealous.

*Big black cats in New York!

*Giant lasers!

*Robot boffins!

*The lights go out.

*Make your own magazine (good news if you're an Ugly Betty fan).

*Japan lets Homosexualists tie the knot, but not in Japan.

*Maybe some of the happy couples could wear this on their wedding night.

*Are you getting your eight hours a night? No, me neither. Are you feeling suicidal? You will be.

*In which case, Dignitas want your business. But it won't be repeat business.

*When the voice doesn't match the image. Still, it's what's being said, not how it's said...

ISSUE 03

On the cover: Kerry Degman.

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"You don't take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it..." LENSED: IMAGE IS EVERYTHING

HAVE YOU EVER got caught? You know... looking?

And I don't mean a sly second glance. I mean real, blatant ogling. It happened to me yesterday on an escalator. Look, it's usually the best place for admiring ass: he's in front of you, he's got his back to you, and he ain't turning around.

Escalators only go one way, after all. So, as it happens, I was walking towards the escalator when this incredibly sexy black guy hurries on ahead of me. He gets on, I get on. He's a few steps up of me, fumbling for his Oyster card or whatever, so I lean on the handrail and enjoy the ride, fixing my eyes on the incredibly high, juicy ass sitting atop his big, packed thighs, all poured into tight jeans. This guy was straight, working that whole primary colour popped collar look that says to me, "Jerk". But it's what's in the clothes that interests me on a search and undress mission.

So we reach the top of the escalator, and I tear my eyes away from that bootylicious derriere, looking up, up, up... and my eyes meet his. He is looking back, watching me watch his ass. And he doesn't look happy. Fortunately, the escalator plateaus and he's obviously in a hurry as he steps through the automatic gates. As for me (shamefully) I don't feel the slightest bit of remorse - just "DOH! I got caught!" I mean, really - a seasoned pro like me, getting caught?

That really is shameful.

(Pictures: the photography of Anthony Isambert).

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"You don't take a photograph. You ask, quietly, to borrow it..." LENSED: IMAGE IS EVERYTHING

THIS ONE'S A 22-year-old New Yorker.

Edgar Alexander Lopez was born in Venezuela and raised in Santo Domingo. His shoe size is 11.5.

(Nudge nudge, wink wink). You know, looking at his pictures reminded me of one of those things that drive me wild on a man: a fat, juicy top lip. Now, lots of people have big bottom lips, but two is better than one, and a fullsome top lip enhances the kissing experience (amongst other things) no end.

What presses your buttons?

...out of time

"The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there..."

DID THIS ADVERT make me gay?

This Halifax advert is one of those strong childhood memories. I can remember, quite clearly, being thrilled every time it came on telly. I so wanted to be that guy, with his huge bed and cool apartment, doing his own thing.

It was a fantasy of how I'd like my life to be, and even though I didn't realise it at the time, it was a vision of a gay future without the wife and kids. In the cold light of adulthood, the dude looks like a bit of a twat really. His apartment's a mess and there's a noisy train thundering past the window (maybe that's why he's got Lionel Richie turned up full blast). He's probably a City boy too.

And he's got a cat.

LET'S BOYCOTT JAMAICA! (Or should we?)

"HUMAN RIGHTS ACTIVISTS have given Jamaica the infamous title: 'The Most Homophobic Place on Earth'. If you love your gay friends and family members, you won't visit Jamaica. If you care about the human rights of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people, you won't buy Jamaican products.

Isn't it time we stop rewarding this hate state with our tourism dollars? This nation should be avoided at all costs until the Jamaican government takes action to end the country's virulently homophobic climate and draconian laws that persecute homosexuals."

That's the official statement on the Jamaica boycott. Since learning about it last night, I've flip-flopped several times over condemning it, or supporting it. My initial reaction was one of satisfaction. "Good," I thought. "Serves them right." But today I've been thinking on it, and a few questions came up. Who, exactly, is boycotting Jamaica? Financially comfortable whites, presumably. Is it fair to tar every Jamaican with the same brush? Not really, no. Why just Jamaica? What about, er, nearly every country in Africa? And how about America too, with its rabid packs of bible-bashers and various states who've effectively condoned homophobia (thinking of Proposition 8). And above all else - why a boycott? As if that's going to work. Boycott Jamaica (the official site) have answered all of these questions to my satisfaction, via their Q&A page. On the subject of who, they're described as a "coalition of GLBT activists". I take that to mean our brothers and sisters who care enough to actively fight for all of us.

Are all Jamaicans guilty? Boycott Jamaica say, "We have nothing against the Jamaican people and desire nothing more than calling off this boycott. There is, however, a price to pay for continuing down a homophobic path." And to misquote a well known phrase, ignorance of what's right is no defence. Over the years I have known quite a few Jamaicans, and two of my good friends are from that island. They are amongst the most fundamentally decent people I know, but their acceptance of what is has always troubled me and been the source of many an argument. It always comes down to the same thing - they point out that I don't know what it's really like, so I should keep my mouth shut. That's fine, I accept that. I'm lucky to have been born into a relatively liberal society. But by the same token, if no one ever raises their head above the parapet, nothing ever changes. Nelson Mandela - or Harvey Milk, for that matter - didn't say, "Sod it, it's too hard," and pull the blanket back over their heads.

So, why pick on Jamaica? You have to start somewhere, and Jamaica's one of the biggest bullies in the playground. As Boycott Jamaica points out, Jamaica relies heavily on the tourist dollar - which also negates the argument that outsiders shouldn't meddle with Jamaica's internal affairs. If you want the pink pound - or dollar - you better fix up.

Is a boycott likely to work? It's a moot point. Will heterosexuals support us in sufficient numbers to make Jamaica sit up and take notice? Probably not - but hopefully, even the hint of violence will spoil the postcard perfect picture of Jamaica for the hallowed "families". There's no excuses for what is going on in Jamaica. Go get them. Make them hurt, even if it's just a fraction of what they're doing to our brothers and sisters. And to quote another late, great freedom fighter, "in the end, winning is the only safety."