150,000 Americans Masturbating Right Now!

Here at the ka-os blog, it isn't all doom, destruction, devastation and despair - we like a laugh too. And who better to provide it than the Christian right? Our friend The Official Queen of Shade supplies the giggles today, with this story on "the REAL number one public health problem in America today: masturbation." Bet you never guessed, huh, kids. Put your hands where I can see them now, and read on...

Masturbation This page is dedicated to exposing the REAL Number One Public Health Problem in America today: Masturbation. If you have come here looking for Jokes or Humor about Masturbation, then you have come to the wrong place! But if you have come to be Educated on the Straight Facts about the EVILS of Masturbation, then Welcome! The Problem Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Doctors of a generation ago knew this, but since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960's, this fact has been lost in the "if it feels good, do it" mentality. Myth Masturbation is harmless. Reality Christianity proves that chronic Masturbation causes weakness, depression, forgetfulness and nearsightedness. Myth There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS. Reality Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month! Myth Masturbation is not immoral. Reality Read your Bible. God was so offended when Onan spilled his seed upon the ground that God struck Onan dead! It is true that Onan wasn't Masturbating, but the point is that God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason. Myth Masturbation is a "Victimless Crime." Reality Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a "gateway" sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators. Myth Americans value their "Freedom" and will never stand for Masturbation being outlawed. Reality Oral and anal sex are already illegal in several States, and people like it that way! Masturbatory devices are already illegal in Texas, and the Police in San Antonio and Austin have aggressively enforced this law, even going as far as to torture clerks that worked in stores that sold indecently-shaped soap and candles, and there has been no public outcry. Myth But everyone's doing it! Reality Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don't Masturbate. The Solution How to stop the current epidemic of Self-Abuse in America? We need the same tactics and the same kind of get-tough attitude that has been so successful in the War On Drugs! Control of Paraphernalia Drug abuse has been slashed by the outlawing of drug accessories such as syringes and marijuana pipes. If we are to get tough on Masturbation, we must eliminate Masturbatory paraphernalia. This means outlawing such things as: *Personal vibrators and other Masturbatory devices such as dildos and blow-up dolls. *All candles, no matter what their shape, must be banned. *All indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We don't need the Victoria's Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations. *Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate. Intensive Urine Testing Christians have discovered that men produce sperm cells constantly. All that sperm has to go somewhere! If an unmarried man doesn't masturbate, all the sperm cells he produces end up in his urine. It would be very simple to require unmarried men to submit frequent urine samples, which could then be examined under a microscope. If an unmarried man has a low concentration of sperm cells in his urine, it means he has been having orgasms one way or another! Therefore he is guilty of either Masturbation or Fornication and should be imprisoned! Random urine testing in the War On Drugs has been a very powerful weapon! We should not hesitate to harness it for use in the War On Masturbation! Zero Tolerance! Zero Tolerance has been a rallying cry in the War On Drugs, and is a policy that should be enacted immediately in the War On Masturbation! Any amount of Masturbation is too much! Any person caught touching his or her genitals without a solid, medically-approved reason should be imprisoned in a boot camp. We will teach our children that God did not give us genitals for entertainment. Property Seizure Many police departments will seize the cars and homes of people who are caught with drugs. Americans For Purity has called for the homes and cars of people who are caught Masturbating to be taken away without due process and auctioned off, with the money going to anti-Masturbation law enforcement. Surgery Certain supposedly "primitive" tribes in Africa have completely eliminated Masturbation among their women! How was this amazing feat accomplished? Through a very simple operation called a Clitoridectomy, which is analogous to circumcision in the male. (Clitoridectomy has gotten a bad reputation in the West, but only because in Africa it is often done with crude instruments, without anesthesia, and under unsanitary conditions. When it is mandated in America it will, of course, be done in a sterile, modern operating room with anesthesia.) A woman who has had a Clitoridectomy is permanently cured of Masturbation and other lascivious behavior, but the Godless bureaucrats in Washington, D.C. have had the audacity to OUTLAW this operation! One of the main goals of Americans For Purity is to not only repeal the laws against Clitoridectomy, but to make it mandatory for female children (who will never miss the part that is removed if it is done early enough). And surgery isn't just for Females! Many have suggested Castration or Clitoridectomy for adult Males or Females that are repeat Masturbatory offenders. Chemotherapy In the last few years, Doctors have begun to use a class of drugs known as Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs such as Prozac and Celexa) to combat the Depression that accompanies Chronic Masturbation. The primary Therapeutic benefit of SSRIs is achieved by enhancing the action of Serotonergic neurons in the Raphe Nucleus of the midbrain that inhibit the Orgasm reflex. A patient who takes an SSRI is cured of Masturbation because he or she finds that it takes an hour of intensive effort to achieve a disappointingly anti-climactic Orgasm. After the patient gives up on Masturbating, his or her Depression improves dramatically. Officials are studying a plan to routinely add SSRIs to soft drinks and school meals.