THE WEEK ACCORDING TO GARÇON STUPIDE

*Oh. My. God. Breaking news boys, and you're not going to believe this: Muslims in Britain have zero tolerance of homosexuality! No siree, they don't like us one jot. But get this: in the same study, 35% of French Muslims found homosexual acts acceptable...

*"Moscow is not Sodom! Say no to spiritual terrorism!" It's Eurovision. It's Russia. And it's ON.

*A 42-year-old man and a 14-year-old boy have been convicted in the first case of "indecent chanting" to be heard by courts. Described as being "in extremely bad taste, they were inappropriate, shocking and disgusting, and as such they were indecent", the homophobic chants were directed towards footballer Sol Campbell at a match in Portsmouth last year.

*A good news story from Zimbabwe? Hard to believe, I know, but things might be improving for our brothers and sisters. Keith Goddard, director of Gays and Lesbians of Zimbabwe, told Behind The Mask: "With the Government of National Unity, we now have a number of people in parliament who are gay-friendly. This could be an opportunity to engage with the government on issues affecting marginalised groups such as GALZ and ensure that government supports our call for specific mention of sexual orientation in Zimbabwe's next constitution."

*Obama faking left? How about all those soldiers getting the boot for being gay, like Sandy Tsao, who you personally promised to help? Jon Stewart says it best.

*So take care, Mr. Obama - what goes around comes around...

*The first black openly gay representative in Congress? Iraq veteran Anthony Woods says Yes He Can.

*These are the faces of the four boys accused of raping a male classmate with a broom handle and a hockey stick. Ain't it nice to see the races coming together for something?

*The Year of the Sex Olympics, a 1968 television play, will be re-imagined, live, in 2010: the Gays are to have their own space during the 2010 Winter Games.

*Boy marries girl. Boy decides he doesn't want to be a boy anymore. So what happens next?

*"Jealous female gorillas solicit unproductive sex". Now, that's my kind of headline!

*Who let the dogs out? Bankers, it would seem. The economic crisis has resulted in a huge increase in unwanted canines. I'd take 'em all if I could.

*Giant spiders!

*Frog hop-eration!

*Skippy goes under, down under.

*In Pictures: Our Ten Favorite Cocks of the Decade, by Gay Porn Blog. Hmm, what two things do all ten pieces have in common? In any case, my vote goes to Jovonnie's perfect piece, which isn't pictured, or Brad Patton's, which isn't pictured either (at least I don't think it is, and I know it pretty well -sadly, by sight only).

*If you're really bored you can also wander through AfterElton's 2009 Hot 100. Confusingly, their No.1 looks to me like a well-preserved lesbian. Maybe it is. F**k if I know who she is. The rest of their top 10 is a truly banal snowstorm comprised entirely of caucasians. The highest placed non-white entry is President Barack Obama at No.39, followed by ka-ostheory favourite Darryl Stephens at No.45, Taye Diggs at No. 51, Jensen Atwood at No.55, Mario Lopez at No.67, and Wilzon Cruz at a criminal No.99. Okay, so let me get this straight: 4 (YES, FOUR) black men , and 2 (YES, TWO) Latino men. Out of 100. What does that say about the mainstream gay community? (And the fact that the white men who do feature are virtually clones of one another.)

*Things you might see at the beach. If only.

*Boffins spend a lot of time and money developing a cone of silence.

*Some other boffins have discovered that emotional speech leaves a signature on the brain.

*And yet more manic people in white coats have discovered the origin of life. Introducing RNA, the less familiar cousin of DNA. Yes, that's as exciting as it gets.

*The University of Pennsylvania isn't going back that far, they're just interested in which parts of African-Americans came from which parts of Africa, and elsewhere.

*This is what I mean by "playing the race card". I mean, really, haven't people anything better to do? Isn't there enough genuine racism without making stuff up?

*Meanwhile, White Castle is upsetting the Jews. (Their tiny burgers are one of my happier memories of New York...)

*...And Jonathan Ross is upsetting the Gays. Again, DON'T PLAY THE GAY CARD. Focus on genuine homophobia. Didn't it occur to anyone that he was mocking Hannah Montana, not battyman? Grr...

*YAY! No plastic boy whore a.k.a. Cristiano Ronaldo last week - but he's back with a vengeance! Firstly, his moment of sexual discovery caught on camera. He also professes his love for Ricky Martin, and gives an insight into the fun that goes on in the changing room.

*Urban Shotz model Guetan gets stage fright.

*Vman's "greeting cards for all occasions" by Bruce Weber. Yum!

*The New York Times wonders if Facebook and Twitter updates are "actually anti-narcissistic attempts to reach out to others and return to a more communal time". (If I ever join Twitter, pluck my eyes out, Oz-style. Please.)

*WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! The loss of Antarctic ice could shift the Earth's gravitational pull, causing water to pile up in the northern hemisphere. Well, that sucks.

*iPods will destroy the world! The International Energy Agency is worried.

*Free phone, free video, free music, free mail... The grey men in suits have found a way to get their cut after all.

*Free online editions of newspapers make articles like the one you're reading right now possible (did I hear someone say and that's a good thing?). Arianna Huffington looks at the future of journalism and newspapers.

*And what about TV? Is it really all over for the tellybox?

*The Guardian takes us on a tour of the forthcoming Windows 7.

*Also getting an update is the Sony Walkman: the X series is claimed to trump the iPod in the quality stakes.

*And a new search engine too! Wolfram Alpha has been under development for 23 years, and can answer questions rather than simply search keywords.

*You missed a bit! A day in the life of a robot vacuum.

*Visa's credit card with a built in screen and keypad.

*What's in your food? In America, the big corporations are throwing their hands up in bewilderment, and suggesting that YOU take care. Yes, take care, 'cos no one gonna take care of you.

*"Cat's Pee On A Gooseberry Bush". Wine that tastes like cat's pee. No thanks.

*Vitamins could cut the benefits of exercise.

*Heart, brain and stomach surgery, as well as tumour removal, will be screened live on TV by Channel 4. Viewers will be able to interact via (sigh) Twitter. Now that really is f**king depressing.

*Africa's popular image is one of a country blighted by AIDS. But Senegal has the same rate of infection as the US, and Madagascar is on a par with the rest of the world. Doctor Hans Rosling sets the record straight.

*New Zealand's HIV predator. Gee, I guess every country's got one...

*The murder of two French students in a south London flat has been described as "an orgy of bloodletting" and a "scene of unimaginable horror". The two boys were stabbed 244 times. Who would have thought there was an EastEnders twist in the tale?

*Buy a whole village!

*Village of the Twins!

*A Tesco Town!

*The economic crisis keeps Ground Zero the same, seven years on (wouldn't it be easier, not to mention popular, if they just rebuilt the Twin Towers exactly the way they were?).

*They're big, they're red, and they mean business. Don't mess with bus, u get me.

*Soulja Boy Tell 'Em: Britain's youngest soldier.

*Love Land, a wonderland of giant genitalia sculpture and sex technique workshops. And it's all happening in China. "We are building the park for the good of the public," Lu Xiaoqing, the manager of the so-called sex park, says. But not all the people are happy: "These things are too exposed," said policewoman Liu Daiwei. "I will feel uncomfortable to look at them when other people are around." You tell 'em luv, it's an outrage.

*If you like it then you've gotta put a... rubber on it. I like clear ones anyway, opaque doesn't work for me.

*Now we know why Sanya in España is a bit demented. The air in Spanish cities is laced with cocaine, "amphetamines, opiates, cannabinoids and lysergic acid - a relative of LSD". Over to you, Sanya...

*The first candidate for Mr. Gay Brazil. He ain't winning it. Sorry.

*Blimey, they've only gone and made a film called Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, and it's not even a spoof.

*Festival de Cannes: from China, Spring Fever.

*Now casting: Eating Out 3 (the world’s first gay threequel, apparently).

*Were Paul Newman and James Dean lovers?

*PHWOAR! Jake Gyllenhaal in Prince of Persia!

*PHWOAR! Lenny Kravitz naked! In the shower! Naked! Shower! (We've seen it all before, luv. Now get your piece out, and make it good.)

*"How Miami made crime pay"... Forget the blue sea, I put it down to Adam Rodriguez's lips.

*Birds of a Feather flying back to the coup? Let's hope it's better than the current, abysmal remake of The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin...

*A close shave: the Americans admit defeat on Absolutely Fabulous.

*The Milky Bar Kid is back. I'm quite partial to a Milky Bar, I must say.

*The BBC's first Muslim head of religion; Aaqil Ahmed was the Bafta award-winning behind Saving Africa's Witch Children.

*The 25 Greatest Sci-Fi Shows Ever! Guess Who is Number One?

*New Pet Shop Boys - great song, ghastly video. In fact, no one likes it. Why, guys? WHY?

*New JLS on July 13. Let's hope the video showcases their assets. Preview the tune here.

*A special treat for the daddies on lockdown in Arkansas: hot'n'fresh boy meat coming your way! Bon appétit.

*Mickey Carroll, one of the last surviving Munchkins from The Wizard Of Oz, 1919-2009. Follow the yellow brick road...

*Venetia Phair, the girl who named Pluto, 1918-2009.

*Yukio Endo, the Japanese gymnast, 1937-2009.

ISSUE 09

On the cover: Made in Romania.