THE WEEK ACCORDING TO GARÇON STUPIDE

*Hell hath no fury... A student from west London is convicted of setting his ex-boyfriend on fire.

*Amazon wages stealth war on gays - a pretty dumb move, if you ask me, given the power of our pounds (and dollars). "No no no! It was all a mistake!" they protested. A little too much, and a little too late.

*Esquire grovel a bit too, following their earlier act of war.

*The airlines are at it too: "If there was a male flight attendant it would be thought that he was gay and the owner would not tolerate such an individual on the aircraft."

*But we're not taking it lying down - rum dump at Stonewall!

*And Amnesty International is demanding action from Iraq's leaders over the murder of dozens of young men and boys at the hands of Baghdad death squads.

*So presumably, Amnesty isn't spending all its time promoting homosexuality in liberal Uganda. I guess they can leave the distribution of free Falcon DVDs to Unicef and Human Rights Watch.

*Far-right Dutch MP Geert Wilders plans a sequel to his anti-Koran film, Fitna. "Unfortunately, there are only a few leaders who are standing up and saying our freedom of speech principles are more important than appeasing Islam." If this is the sound of the far-right, sign me up.

*No gay dorm in Texas - hopes of frat fun fade.

*1,500 farmers commit mass suicide in India. Yes, you read it right - 1,500 souls.

*White is right - apparently. The white invaders are still telling the natives what to do with their land, to the detriment of its rightful owners.

*If there's one thing Americans love more than their bibles, it's their guns. Roll up, roll up, it's the NRA vs President Obama! (gee, I don't know if I can decide whose side I'll take).

*I can guess whose side white supremacists are on, however. Is Obama a recruiting tool for right-wing extremists? I wonder if this is what Trevor Phillips meant when he said this.

*Obama could be given the power to shut down the Internet. Well, at least it's Obama. I doubt his predecessor knows what the Internet is.

*The European Commission (oooohh, scary) isn't happy with Britain's failure to protect its citizens from secret surveillance on the internet; launches inquiry.

*Rotherham boy plunges into vat of caustic soda.

*A Slow Down London festival is planned. Organisers say the festival is an opportunity for people to stop rushing around. Do we really need Joe Public to move any slower than it does already? Get me to the nearest agriculture supplier, 'cos I'm gonna need a cattle prod for this.

*A little bit of Tokyo comes to London. But Oxford Circus will always be as close to hell on Earth as you can get, no matter what they do to it.

*The death of the parking meter. A collective outpouring of grief isn't expected.

*The police need a hand.

*Independent Police Complaints Commission remind a power-mad, out-of-control Metropolitan Police that they are our "servants not the masters". Watch the astonishing attack by a Met police officer on a protester here.

*ER writers must be thinking, "Doh! Why didn't I think of that?" You couldn't make it up really: the man with a fir tree growing inside his lung. At least it wasn't a cactus.

*We're all going to die! (Again).

*Boffins figure out how to diagnose cancer from one speck of blood.

*And the award for News I Don't Want To Hear goes to... Wine drinkers 'pile on calories'.

*As many as 2000 Orangutans discovered in a remote corner of Indonesia.

*And on a slightly smaller scale, the community of microbes that breathe iron. They've been cut off from the rest of the world for 1.5 million years. Well, the party's over, kids, mankind's coming to f**k things up!

*Dubai: a city built on credit and ecocide, suppression and slavery.

*Polar bear attack!

*Dolphin force field!

*Lego Jesus Christ!

*Spooky snow rollers!

*Marlon Brando gives head!

*Summer of Archie!

*"Chinese views towards black people are not sophisticated, partly because it is not very common to see any in the cities and even less in the country," Beijing residents tell The Times. Introducing Ding Hui.

*Adrian Peterson is a big boy, and he wants to get bigger. Well go ahead, sweetheart, don't let us stop you. (By the way, take your shirt off...)

*...Like plastic boy slut Cristiano Ronaldo...

*...Or naked royal whore Jonathan Rhys-Meyers...

*...'cos Enrique ain't gonna: "I don't look good naked. I've got chicken legs and my balls hang too low. I hear they get lower and saggier as you get older, and that's f**ked up. I'll have to tuck mine into my socks."

*Someone who loves nudity is ka-os|theory crush Roman Heart, who's now apparently all grown-up (i.e. he's now a hunk, rather than a twink). Awwwwww. Falcon claim he's appeared on more magazine covers than any other gay male pornstar.

*But is he the Best Bottom Porn Star? QC Sex Chronicles asks who is. (For the record, my vote goes to Kidd).

*Bad boy 4rgy? Tyrese, Omarion, Keith and Chris (presumably swearing off women - and who can blame him?) play together.

*Boy love in video. Now, that's what I call a music video.

*Deconstructing the racial politics of gay porn: Race Cooper.

*"Advice on how to make sure your kids turn out gay, not to mention your students, your parishoners, your therapy clients, or your military subordinates, is less ubiquitous than one might think." Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, 1950-2009.

ISSUE 05