THE WEEK ACCORDING TO GARÇON STUPIDE

*Gay porn in goverment! (Or is it?)

*And whilst I don't mind paying for gay porn, I refuse to pay for a government minister's husband to watch straight porn. Oh, wait, I don't have a choice. Pesky taxes. If she wasn't such a greedy pig with her snout in the trough, one could almost feel sorry for Jacqui Smith's cringeworthy humiliation.

*Maybe she should have kept hubby in line by biting his tongue off. It worked for her.

*So, with hubby at home tossing himself off at the taxpayer's expense, poor old Jacqui wasn't thought fit to see President Obama. Apparently, he was in town this week...

*...trying not to get deafened by his old friend Silvio. Luckily an old Queen was on hand to protect him. "What is it? Why does he have to shout?" she demanded of the world's leaders. No one thought to say, "Because he's Italian."

*200 children out to get YOU.

*But wait! We're safe until 2070.

*Which is good news, because this nearly happened on the very trains I catch everyday at my local station.

*You big, fat copycat!

*The BBC is to blame for kids swearing, talking back and wearing their uniforms in a sloppy fashion...

*...AND a national power surge!

*Yes, EastEnders did what EastEnders does best, pinning its audience against the wall, bitch-slappping it - playing some cruel mind games along the way - then leaving us broken and despairing. It works for me. But not everyone enjoyed it, apparently.

*The Wire's Dominic West should have been watching on Thursday night. He might not have said, "We [in the UK] don't seem to be able to do contemporary stuff." He was talking about the state of drama on British television.

*The (Gay) Apprentice!

*Jamie Foxx wrestles with a strange man in his hotel room.

*Gay India on film.

*And, er, Bruno! Apparently, "It's basically ze most important documentary made about a hot vhite guy since Passion Of Ze Christ!"

*Sugar too.

*Omarion, what you trying it for? I mean, really? Bow Wow's just gonna get jealous.

*Big black cats in New York!

*Giant lasers!

*Robot boffins!

*The lights go out.

*Make your own magazine (good news if you're an Ugly Betty fan).

*Japan lets Homosexualists tie the knot, but not in Japan.

*Maybe some of the happy couples could wear this on their wedding night.

*Are you getting your eight hours a night? No, me neither. Are you feeling suicidal? You will be.

*In which case, Dignitas want your business. But it won't be repeat business.

*When the voice doesn't match the image. Still, it's what's being said, not how it's said...

ISSUE 03

On the cover: Kerry Degman.