THE WEEK ACCORDING TO GARÇON STUPIDE

*Taleon Goffney will serve three to eight years in prison for his part in two rooftop burglaries. Taleon is the straight half of the infamous Goffney twins, who recorded numerous gay porn scenes, including that famous ménage à trois with Marc Williams. The boys' full story is here.

*UGANDA: Homophobia and History.

*JORDAN: My Kali - the first gay magazine in Jordan. Yes, Jordan, as in Middle East Jordan.

*INDIA: Gay movement out of control - it's even reached as far as Chhattisgarh!

*ITALY: The Vatican's official newspaper praises famous homosexual Oscar Wilde, hailing him as "an aesthete and a lover of the ephemeral".

*LITHUANIA: Schools can now demonise homosexuality following the passing of the 'Law on the Protection of Minors against the Detrimental Effect of Public Information.'

*US: Stay in the closet! Emmy-winning director tells young gay actors it's a necessary career choice.

*US: Baller (left) says he's not gay. I don't know who he is and I could care less about this story, but he's hot and this section of the news needs hot pictures. It's this or a photo of Bill Clinton.

*US: Bill Clinton says we should be allowed to get married. Aww, gee whiz Bill! Ain't that swell. Easy to say now you're not in office.

*US: No barebacking here! No, siree, none at all!

*US: Bishops in the Anglican Church approve, in principle, services for same-sex partnerships. Bible-based conservative evangelicals aren't very happy about it.

*US: Those pesky Mormons! Never mind, a good old-fashioned kiss-in will fix 'em!

*US: And there's more kissing protests in El Paso, Texas.

*US: A vigil for murdered Navy Seaman August Provost, in pictures.

*UK: Members of faith groups are entitled to holidays for religious events - so should there be a gay religion?

*UK: Oh the Home Office, those razor sharp wits! You need to get up pretty early in the morning to get one past them, what! Lesbianism is a ruse in order to stay in the country, they say of a Jamaican woman who's appealing her deportation from Blighty. Furthermore, the Home Office point out that she only had relationships with women because there were no men in prison. Right, then...

*UK: And while we're on the subject of the lesbilicious ones, here's a real bolt from the blue: "Lesbians less affected by body image pressure". I know, I can hardly believe it either.

*UK: Meet Delores (left), the renegade MI5 agent.

*UK: Liberty and the Campaign for Homosexual Equality fall out over confusion between homosexuality and paedophilia.

*UK: The Conservatives join forces with a political party whose leader said the following: "The affirmation of homosexuality will lead to the downfall of civilisation. We can’t agree to it." Yet you can bet plenty of stupid faggots will vote for David Cameron in the next election.

*UK: The Torys also want the gay partners of parents to have less rights.

*UK: Dr Amanullah De Sondy on the the story of the destruction of Sodom: "It is often said to illustrate God's disapproval of homosexuality. But on closer inspection it is about his disapproval of the rape of young boys. There is a big difference." He says homosexuality is not incompatible with Islam.

*UK: "The leading gay lobby group, Stonewall... has compromised its political independence and is too closely identified with the Labour government." Peter Tatchell attacks Stonewall for its support of the Government's discriminatory Equality Bill. Stonewall believe that "homophobic and transphobic harassment are not significant problems". Gee, who needs enemies when...

*UK: 13.5 per cent rise in homophobic hate crimes reported across London.

*What's the difference between cod and Vietnamese cobbler? Ask your local fish'n'chips shop.

*KFC's chicken ain't fresh and they can't say it is.

*Bah! Humbug!

*The 10 best summer white wines... Calling all drunks (and unfit mothers).

*The child catcher strikes again (right)! Nahzing in zee vorld can stop me now!

*Terrell Owens is nekkid on a magazine. Goddam it, I'll have a thigh and a breast. Hold the mayo for now.

*"...A bull got separated from the pack and gored a runner repeatedly, throwing him into the air and plunging a horn into his thigh and chest." Good, that'll learn him.

*Goey, gunky, hairy and odorous - no, it's not Jasmyne Cannick, it's "huge blobs of floating goo" in the Arctic sea. Scary.

*The cure for internet addiction? Electro-convulsive therapy. At least, that's what the Chinese think.

*Meanwhile, the Muslims are flogging women to death for wearing trousers. Trousers! The sheer cheek! They deserve everything they get, those filthy infidels.

*"The very fabric of society is breaking down around us," Charlie Brooker says. "What the hell is there left to believe in?" (My vote goes to Peter Tatchell.)

*War, what is it good for? Remember that Seinfeld episode where Jerry convinced Elaine that that was the original title for War & Peace? War, what is it good for? I ask you... Well, "veterans aged 18 to 23 are up to three times more likely to commit suicide than their civilian counterparts". I guess that answers the question.

*"10 reasons the Apollo landings were faked".

*Sextortion at Eisenhower High: an insight into the mind-boggling world of the American education system. Towleroad say: "Last year, Stanci blackmailed dozens of fellow male students into the school into sending him naked photos of themselves and performing sex acts after posing as a female classmate and then threatening to expose them..."

*"...Time alone in a crowded country where privacy is rare." Japan's love hotels seem to be immune to economic heartbreak.

*An English country pile plays host to "group sex of bacchanalian proportions".

*The mass Indian virginity test!

*A third of Milan 11-year-olds suffer alcohol related problems. And I thought I had a liquor problem!

*Garden gnome gives the Nazi salute - but is it art?

*London is no longer one of the World's 10 Most Expensive Cities. Tokyo is the most expensive.

*Manuelle Gautrand Architecture have designed an Automotive Showroom and Leisure Centre for Cairo (left).

*'What word do you hate and why?' Poets have come up with the likes of 'pulchritude' and the Government's recent contribution, redacted. I'd certainly second that nomination. I've always loathed the word basin, but that's about the only thing I can think of right now. The Australians are fond of their Rock "Eisteddfod". Now that's a revolting ensemble of letters, particularly when tortured by the Australian tongue.

*They want to put a great dirty airport in the Thames.

*London Underground - London's mass transit subway - is nearly 150 years old, and the work to regenerate a network starved of investment for decades has been dogged by criticism. BBC London spends a night on the Northern Line. In pictures.

*Brand new, air-conditioned trains are unveiled on the London Overground network (video); the route was taken back from the private sector under Ken Livingstone's administration. It's therefore quite nauseating to see our racist and homophobic Tory Mayor (whose party is devoted to privatisation) extolling the virtues of the new fleet - which is a direct result of his predesessor's policies and vision. Sickening.

*The black cab cabal.

*Yinka Shonibare's model HMS Victory - the ship on which Nelson died - will be placed in a 16ft by 8.2ft acrylic bottle on the Fourth Plinth in Trafalgar Square, following Antony Gormley's One and Other installation. The Guardian's Charlotte Higgins isn't impressed: "We are to make connections with colonialism; to think about trade routes and Britain's diversity. For the fourth plinth, he is to place a replica of Nelson's ship the Victory in a giant glass bottle. Its sails are to be made - you guessed it - out of batik fabric bought from Brixton. This is one-trick-pony stuff. Shonibare says that the wind billowing through the sails of the Victory-in-a-bottle are to be like "the many cultures and ethnicities that are still breathing precious wind into the sails of the UK". A laboured image, if ever there was one."

*Creativity influenced by a genetic mutation linked to psychosis and schizophrenia. Hmm... that explains a lot.

*Humans will soon be able to live forever - but do we want to?

*The girl with two hearts (and no, her name isn't Romanadvoratrelundar).

*Pubic shaving: a secret desire to appear harmless, immature and infantile?

*Travelators slow us down. (Actually that's not true - stupid lazy people standing still on them like it's a fairground ride slow us down.)

*The sun might not be the bad guy when it comes to skin cancer.

*Cocoon III: The Alcoholics.

*The calorie delusion.

*Is swine flu mutating, and how worried should we be?

*This is scary: 10 human parasites. Makes you want to down a pint of bleach.

*10 Ways To Change Your Life In 59 seconds. (Including "Buy experiences not goods". Yes kids, ditch the CocoDorm subscription and hire a few tricks for a DIY orgy instead).

*File this under "Ideas They Should Have Thought Of Sooner" - the invisible camera flash.

*Egg cups on Mars.

*Volcanoes in Hawaii and Ethiopia, in pictures.

*The death of a sea.

*The Robot Hall of Fame - up close.

*This house will send you a text if you forget to lock the front door.

*Teletext will cease all transmissions in January 2010.

*There's more to life than Google. Really, there is. Here's the Top 100 Alternative Search Engines.

*The collapse of illegal sharing. Really?

*And 73 per cent of music fans prefer CDs to downloads. Even more intrigingly, 66 per cent of 14 to 18 year olds prefer CDs, and just over half of all people listen to CDs everyday.

*The news for the book trade isn't as rosy.

*No one wants Windows 7.

*Why sex has driven the technological advances we take for granted.

*The fancy boy with realistic moving parts is hard at it in Ireland. Look, see? He's really going at it.

*Shark on a beach.

*Squid on a beach.

*Giant flying squid!

*Giant worms in Idaho!

*Crocodile vs. leopard.

*I always said cats are wrong 'uns. Now we know they're deceitful, cheating wrong 'uns too.

*The crazed world of penguin burrow-hopping: love, sex, betrayal and violence!

*JLS! JLS! JLS! Blighty finally has a new, all male, black singing group, 8 years on from Damage. And their crazed fans will do anything to get the sexy foursome out of their hotel rooms.

*Meanwhile, ka-ostheory favourite Simon Webbe has voiced his support for recently out of the closet bandmate Duncan James: "To me Duncan has always been out, so it's no different for me or the boys - we have always known. We're a team and we're there for him. I love him and want him to be happy. I'm sure it's a weight off his shoulders. Look, we're in 2009 now and it's not a bad thing - people aren't as naive and won't be looking to turn it into something it's not - it's not a big deal and we don't want to turn it into a big deal."

*Noriega: the gay community is all over hip-hop.

*Soulja Boy shows us his thang (right).

*Nelly's also packing heat.

*Michael Jackson's ghost - on a car bonnet. Yes, it's The Sun.

*Michael Jackson's gay lovers: a half-Asian construction worker, and a Hollywood waiter, apparently.

*Michael Jackson's bad hair day. Sorry, that was uncalled for. However, has anybody not seen the really very disturbing footage of THAT Pepsi stunt gone awry?

*Michael Jackson's portrait - by Andy Warhol. It's been pulled from an auction due to enormous interest. Isn't that the point of auctions?

*True Blood made its UK debut this week on FX; your correspondent has yet to get around to watching it. These screen caps of the impossibly beautiful Mehcad Brooks, which have been splashed all over most blogs this week, are the perfect incentive. The Independent talks to the show's creator.

*Another American import is RuPaul's Drag Race, coming to E4 in August.

*Life imitates art for The Wire's Jamie Hector.

*Speaking of The Wire... "British actors are overpaid, oversexed and over there, stealing all the best television roles from under the noses of slowpoke, gum-chewing Yanks."

*Coronation Street is to appear on Google's Street View.

*What to do with a problem like Graham Norton?

*"THIS IS BIG BROTHER! This week, Big Brother is 10. Housemates must read Big Brother By Numbers, Big Brother's Most Outrageous, Big Brother's Worst Housemates and Best Big Brother Quotes. Housemates are reminded that Big Brother is always here for you, should you need it. The diary room door is now open."

ISSUE 18

POSTSCRIPT
"You know, we might just as well not have bothered to come. The whole thing's been ridiculous."