THE WEEK ACCORDING TO GARÇON STUPIDE

*We open this week's edition with an issue that's foremost in all our minds, and of crucial importance on the global stage: "Swiss farmers still suffer under the prejudice that they are a bit conservative and uptight". I know, I know - you, like me, probably lay awake at night wondering "When will their nightmare end?" The answer is soon, because a time-honoured weapon has been unleashed in combating such injustice: the erotic calendar.

*Abdellah Taia: "the first high-profile, openly gay" Moroccan.

*The "depravity" of homosexuality (is that an insult or have I missed something?) must be eradicated, but only "through preaching and guidance". Violence is a big no-no, apparently - that's according to radical cleric Moqtada Sadr. Cheers Moq, mate, but if it's a choice between listening to what the Koran has to say about man-on-man action, and a bullet in the head, I'll take the lead.

*Peter Tatchell (who's more or less near the top of my Best People Ever list) ponders on the legal battle over Proposition 8. Daily Kos talks to Reed Cowan about his film 8: The Mormon Proposition.

*"I am a straight man, with a big gay chip on my shoulder," says Rob Thomas out of Matchbox 20, in the opening shot of a great piece in The Huffington Post.

*Porn models Damien Crosse and Francesco D'Macho get hitched. It's not a movie. Very cute, and congratulations boys.

*Brian Hughes, a gay man who served for four years in the military, wants the action Obama promised on Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

*Get me on the next flight to Houston - STAT! The US city is awash with bottoms. More New Yorkers are seeking bottoms, however - maybe a shuttle service could be established between the two, satisfying the needs of frustrated booty-love boys, and helping the aviation industry to boot!

*What women want: "Toned men with oval-shaped, often quite feminine faces," according to Suraya Singh, the force behind Filament, a new quarterly erotica magazine aimed exclusively at women. This coming Monday will see a launch party featuring male acrobats.

*And since we're on the subject of the other lot, you know, girls, how about this: everything you always wanted to know about female ejaculation (but were afraid to ask)...

*The forearm harbours around 44 different species of bacteria. Bet ya didn't know that. Boffins have discovered 100 times more bacterial species living on the skin than previously thought.

*So how about some art made from the "skins from white men who donated their bodies to medical science". Andrew Krasnow's work "is a commentary on human cruelty and America's ethics and morality." I see. I'll stick with my Escher prints for now.

*Drug maker Pfizer understands that losing your job really sucks. With that in mind, they're making Viagra free for the unemployed. You might not be getting a pay cheque, but don't worry, sex is (usually) free!

*Sadly, there's no chance of free alcohol yet. It turns out people working in media and entertainment drink the most - on average, twice the recommended maximum. Education and transport workers drink the least. Your correspondent works in both the media and transport - go figure.

*Is the psychological and sexual abuse of adults eclipsed by child abuse?

*Speaking of psychological abuse, the Church of Scientology has gone on trial in France for preying on vulnerable people.

*Religion: a "self-reinforcing loop can stabilise a system of beliefs and actions, and help them persist through many generations..." So that's how they do it. Or as Servalan once said, "you believed because you wanted to believe." Motherf**kers, ain't nothing you can't learn about life from Blake's 7.

*Birds of a feather: the Christian Party and the British National Party (BNP), high on haterade.

*Are there no depths to which the right-wing BNP won't stoop? Oh, you revolting man. Truly contemptible.

*We were Cristiano-free last week, weren't we, for the first time since I started running these articles. It just wasn't the same without her. Him. Meanwhile the plastic boy whore's been named the Sexiest Man Alive by Gay Times magazine (is there a prize for sexiest man not alive?) He wouldn't be my choice. He's made of plastic and held together with moisturiser. But I don't strongly disagree, and I'd definitely have a go on it. The ka-ostheory Sexiest Man Alive award goes to Jovonnie, if you give a f**k.

*The people are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final. This is Judge Tesco... Virtual courts in shopping malls?

*Lego for adults? Why didn't anyone tell me about this? The LEGO Architecture series has been available since 2008 - apparently - and now there's a Frank Lloyd Wright Collection.

*London's Oxford Street and New York's Times Square were both pedestrianised last week. Because that's exactly what Oxford Street needs: more people, all over it. Truly, hell on Earth.

*Butt Hole Road is no more.

*Here Come The Boys. And watch out, 'cos here come the other boys.

*Alan Clarke, of University College Falmouth, created these cool 2012 Olympic posters - but they won't see the light of day.

*Advertising on your subway/metro/Underground (delete as applicable). Love it or hate it, it's big business. Except it isn't. New York's M.T.A. is feeling the pain from a crippled advertising market.

*The first baby boy is born on the London Underground - remarkable when you consider London's subway system first opened in 1863, and carries 3 million people a day (most of whom are c**ts).

*You get what you pay for: London's taxis are the best in the world, whilst New York cabs are the worst. Paris cabbies are the rudest, and Athens are the dirtiest. But what I want to know is which city has the sexiest? (Probably somewhere in Ivory Coast, or Thailand).

*Trafalgar Square's fountains given a new lease of life. (This is where your correspondent works, when he ain't bloggin').

*The Stone Towers? And they look like this too? Zaha Hadid Architects designed this development for Cairo, Egypt, but is it just me or does it look like... I mean, it's supposed to, right?

*A 13-year-old schoolboy has been charged with last week's murder of 17-year-old Jahmal Mason-Blair. The father of Damilola Taylor, who was 10 when he was stabbed to death in 2000, is calling for the death penalty to be reintroduced. A kid kills a kid, so let's kill that kid too. What kind of world...

*It's big. Really big: blue whale measuring 21 metres in length washes up in New Zealand. (Make sure you click and enlarge the picture, left. Pay attention, top left).

*Whilst that whale apparently died of old age, cod ain't so lucky. In fact, over-fishing is resulting in "turbo-evolution" - speeding them to extinction. Which kinda sucks.

*Bird brained - really?

*Cuckoo no more.

*Glowing monkeys!

*Aerobics dog style!

*Donkey rampage! (Eeyore, eeyore...)

*WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! One way or another...

*Bing vs Google.

*A web page for every single episode of every single TV show.

*Gee, thanks Ofcom: more commercial breaks on free-to-air broadcasters. Just what we need.

*Just what the Doctor ordered: a Doctor Who movie is on the way. And David Tennant will appear in spin-off series The Sarah Jane Adventures. Karen Gillan is announced as the new companion to Matt Smith's Doctor.

*Danniella Westbrook will shortly return to a resurgent EastEnders to reprise her role as Sam Mitchell after nearly ten years. The actress was notorious for her drug abuse, to the extent that her nose caved in, and she was sacked from the soap twice. A bit of sympathy is due, though; the heavy toll of tabloid pressure on young EastEnders has been well documented, having led to the suicide of David Scaboro (left) in 1988, and the attempted suicide of Chris Parker (right) in 2004.

*Looks promising: V is re-imagined.

*Less promising is Ghostbusters 3. Dan Aykroyd says a "girl ghosthunter" will lead the new Ghostbusters team. Excuse me whilst I convulse with excitement.

*My interest in horror and gore (just for the sake of it) is virtually non-existent, so I can't say I'm too thrilled about Bruce LaBruce's upcoming hardcore zombie flick. But it will star François Sagat, so I thought I'd mention it anyway.

*It's a Fact that the original Die Hard movie is one of the greatest films ever made, on so many levels. One day I make a pilgrimage to the Nakatomi building. A comic book prequel, Die Hard: Year One, will be by BOOM! Studios. Yippee ki yay, motherfuckers.

*Sade to release a new album - the first in nearly ten years.

*From the sublime to the substandard - Kylie is voted Female Gay Icon by readers of magazine GT (Gay Times). I despair, I really do.

*Surrealistically Speaking inspects John Legend's little brother. So that's where all the looks/personality genes went!

*"I ain't a monster!" Chris Brown tells his fans via, er, YouTube. We know Chris: Rhianna "My Head Is Another Person" is the alien. We still love ya. Like Bricks said, "all women is bitches".

*T.I. reports for duty. Almost makes me wish I was on lockdown myself.

*One of the boys from Pretty Ricky releases an audition tape for CocoDorm.

*Utterly fascinating: Jind Kaur, "the woman who terrified the British Empire" and last queen of the Punjab, who died in Victorian London.

*Dame Edna vs Wanda Sykes vs Jay Leno...

ISSUE 11

On the cover: Santiago Peralta, by Hans Fahrmeyer.