THE WEEK ACCORDING TO GARÇON STUPIDE

*Gays are so stupid they'll only pay attention to Nice Pretty Fun Things. (Hmm... I wonder how they managed to get that Mini into a condom? Maybe I'll try that with mine.)

*Last week we talked about the woman who bit off her boyfriend's tongue. Continuing that theme, we'll now discuss two Polish boys and what happened when they got into a heated debate over a... er, trailer.

*And the award for Most Depressing Story of the Week goes to... Sunny South Africa! Imagine a story fashioned out of the following words: HIV, drugs, teens, abuse and you'll be on the right track.

*Just what in God's name are we eating? The FSA is here to tell you! (I guess I'll be depressed to discover just how much salt/saturated fat/Other Bad Things feature in my favourite KFC family size bucket.)

*First big budget flick for the ugliest place on Earth. The A-Rabs are plotting other escapades too. They want to rip her wings off and ship her out to their tawdry, slave-built concrete horror. Don't let them get Concorde!

*Poor, sweet boy... Why do teachers never, ever do a damn thing to stop things like this happening? They're as guilty as the perpetrators, and I hope their guilt drives them to the same fate as little Carl.

*And another young life cut short, Lashon Lee Douglas Jr., discarded in a highway dumpster.

*So the Met police killed an innocent man. What's new?

*Aww, Uncle Tony hasn't gone away, he's just been resting up for a while. And now he's back wagging his finger at the Pope. Naughty Pope!

*BNP could gain seats in the European Parliament in June. File under: That Can't Be Good.

*Hold the front page! Homo Britannicus put back on the wrong shelf. Raised voices in the library, gurrrll!

*Beware the forked tongue. There's no such thing as moderate Islam, but there is such a thing as a Trojan horse. And that's what Tariq Ramadan is.

*Speaking of which, the Americans might have ousted a dictator, but they left intact an even more wretched force: Islam. The New York Times reports on the deaths of 25 boys and men accused of being gay.

*Meanwhile in another backward hellhole, two brothers are fined for popularizing homosexuality. Their crime? They had organised demonstrations protesting against homophobia.

*The Bad Guys shun us, but the Good Guys welcome us.

*And whilst NYC is goes all pink, Japan goes green.

*Back in Blighty, the Tate Modern gets planning permission for its extension. Looks alright, I suppose.

*Hugh Jackman's got the hump about his unfinished Wolverine getting leaked by some jackass (ha ha, geddit?) I don't blame him.

*The end is nigh as the first of four Doctor Who specials airs tonight. "The Doctor’s facing the end of his life, it’s going to get dark," showrunner Russell T. Davies says of the future. And The Times quotes Paterson Joseph, the first black Doctor who never was, saying, "That nobody was up in arms over a black actor being considered is a great change from 20 years ago."

*Coronation Street to get a big old lezzer? Well, it's only taken 49 years.

*Gays will panic: NBC threatens an SVU minus Christopher Meloni.

*OMG! Sydney didn't die after all!

*"Chris is a mess. He lost a lot of weight, about 15 lbs. I do know that Chris is also in a depression and is drinking a lot. He almost got his butt kicked about a week ago." Well, I hope all you f**king evil, judgemental bitches are happy with yourselves. Yeah, I'm talking to YOU. And what?

*And since we're on the subject, they ought to use anti-hate laws to lock these pr**ks up. They're inciting violence. Oh, except America's got freedom of speech laws instead, so you're allowed to do that there. Doh!

*Darian bigs up Trey. And I must say, I'm slowly coming around to the no-corn rows look, after some initial doubts. But Trey, enough of the tattoos already, yeah?

*We need more boy bands/all male singing groups - but maybe not this? This isn't 1998. We don't need groups with really bad puns for names. I mean, really, As Bro? (Still, I'd happily do the four on the right. Not so much the one on the left.)

*Aww, Bow Wow, you so cute, you so gay. So when's the next sleepover with Omarion? Or are you banging Romeo these days? I can't keep up with you fast'n'easy young 'uns!

*A 100ft Dalek!

*The Penis Festival of Japan!

*Gay pizza!

*Gay elephant!

*Sex for meat!

*A megamouth for greedy mouths.

*This is cute, but I'd rather have an action replay of the post-game locker room orgy. What? That doesn't happen? Well it did in Bareback Soccer Orgy. Huh? That wasn't a documentary? Oh.

*How To Spot A Lame, Lame Argument.

*And finally, just for a laugh, "a new McDonald's outlet has been inundated with job applicants, among them bankers... and accountants". Boo-hoo! Breaks your heart, doesn't it? It'll probably be the first honest days work any of them have done.

ISSUE 04