news you won't read anywhere else
|"I loved it - except for the bits about|
Congress," 21-year-old Jamal said of
Decision Point. "My Mama ironed my
boxers fresh this morning," he added.
he revelations of an affair with Westboro Baptist Church spokeswoman Shirley Phelps-Roper are thought to be behind a surge in sales for George W. Bush's memoir, Decision Points.
The lurid details - revealed in leaked, redacted chapters of the book - have been spilling across the front pages of the national press since Sunday. One extract reads:
"My secret name for her was Bible Beltless. And let me tell you, that wasn't the only item missing from her attire on our steamy trysts. It wasn't just physical - although our bodies fit together like a Smith & Wesson tight in its holster - Shirley and me believed in the same things too. Anti-aborting, with the gays and the intersexualists and so forth, not to mention those pesky A-Rabs and their false God. Where we digested was in Shirl's belief that the weapons of mass destruction were in New York's meatpacking district. We used to fight about that a lot."
Bush also goes into detail about his "special relationship" with former British Prime Minister Tony Blair.
|One rejected cover shot. Editors feared|
it might put off conservative readers.
"My Daddy told me Maggie Thatcher had the biggest balls in politics, but let me tell you this: Tony Blair was the biggest swinging dick on the block in my opinion."
On his response to Hurricane Katrina:
"The negro people have shown a great resiliation throughout history - they didn't need the Man interfering in their affairs, and if he had, that would've been wrong too. Sometimes you just can't do right for doing wrong, as my Daddy used to say. As Americans we renounciate Government intervention. Besides, the negro people had Conrad West looking out for them - and Jesus."
Leaked drafts also show the book's orginal title was My War On Terror - Yippie Ki Yay Bad Folk & Evil Doers. This was subsequently changed over concerns Bush wouldn't remember a title numbering more than two words. At Decision Point's launch in Houston, Texas this week, the former President said through tear-filled eyes, "This one's for you Daddy."
Trey Songz still resides in Cabot Cove with his grandmother Jessica.
*This news item is fictitious.