A cut-out-and-keep guideWhen it comes to the unintentionally funny, there's no more fertile ground than porn. One of last year's Dorm Life releases (the 18th in that series) was Cum Hard Or Fuck Off, which more than surpassed the previous year's rib-tickling 13th volume, Skipping Class For Ass.
Elsewhere, there's even juicier nuggets to be found. Self Suckin' Dildo Ridin' Rampage would have Oscar Wilde green with envy. And then there's Cunt Wreckers. Yes, you heard right: Cunt Wreckers, a gay porn film. It's a phrase that almost defies belief, but at least feminists will be pleased.
There's a dark side to these titular tales. In fact, let's call it His First Dark Side.
Some time ago, I stumbled upon a clip featuring one of my favourite models, Jovonnie. Anyone who's seen Jovonnie in action will know he's an absolute pro, the kind of performer who throws himself into his work, body and.... Well, you get the picture. He thrives on demonstrating his proficiency in the sack - or wherever he's called upon to do so - and is clearly proud of the gift nature has bestowed upon him.
Not in this clip, from BlacksOnBoys.com. The name of the site is an obvious enough signpost to the road we're about to head down: "blacks" as things, on boys. It's one of those sites where the cameraman likes a bit of chat with the models beforehand, and this particular scene is a pretty horrific example of that.
Jovonnie - usually cocky and chipper - looks unsettled, a bit confused, and increasingly uncomfortable with the disturbing racist trash spewing from the cameraman's mouth. This scene is one of the most disturbing pieces of porn you're likely to see, and demonstrates why, in an ideal world, sites like BlacksOnBoys should be shut down.
"Andreas, back in front of my camera," Mr. BlacksOnBoys.com says. "I heard you went back on the other side of the fence, you've only been fucking white boys, and now you need me to introduce you to black cock."
ever - squirms, looks around, and fidgets.
"Is this the case? Is this true?" Mr. B.O.B. ploughs on.
"I guess," Andreas mumbles.
"I guess so," Mr B.O.B. repeats, for the benefit of the audience. "I got you a big one... I got you a very large penis."
Silence from Andreas.
"'Cos I don't want you to go back again," Mr. B.O.B. purrs, somewhat threateningly. "Once you go black..."
"...You don't wanna go back," Andreas finishes hurriedly, looking like he's just walked on in Mom and Dad being intimate.
Andreas looks like he's been punched at this stage.
"A little Latin boyfriend, a little white boyfriend?" Mr. B.O.B. pushes him. Then he says something unintelligible which really shocks Andreas.
"You're not supposed to says that!" he exclaims, looking animated for the first time.
"I can say anything I want," B.O.B. retorts. They then talk about old times, back when Andreas first went black. "Want me to introduce you to your, er, piece?"
"Sure," Andreas says, much like a patient when the dentist asks if they're ready.
Enter Jovonnie, stage right, who gets the dubious benefit of a filthy glower from Andreas. Maybe they've had a spat in the green room beforehand. Jovonnie, it must be said, is the Jovonnie we know and love: cool, calm and collected, confident in the (not necessarily unfounded) belief he's God's gift to mankind.
"You horny?" B.O.B. says, redundantly. "You wanna see them white lips on that dick, huh?"
"Mmm hmm." Jovonnie tries letting that one go. He's not one for talk at the best of times, and this kind isn't likely to stimulate debate. There's some more business, as Andreas squirms like a scorpion's making it's way up inside him, and Jovonnie pulls his top off, starting to look confused by the pyscho vibe in this asylum. It sure wasn't like this at PapiThugz!
Oh God, make it stop! Andreas looks like he's about to fidget himself to death, and he still won't look at Jovonnie. Jovonnie, for his part, looks more confused than ever, because people usually can't stop looking at him. What is this mad place he's found himself in? Can somebody get his agent on the line!
But it gets worse:
B.O.B. tells Andreas: "You're gonna get a drumstick at Thanksgiving." You know, like black people do...
Jovonnie casts his eyes to the floor - maybe it's clicked that something's badly wrong with this picture - but the show must go on, and he pulls out his famous piece. But things take a turn for the worst. You see, Jovonnie is used to an enthusiastic level of dick worship, and Andreas half-heartedly jerking him off (whilst looking elsewhere) just ain't cutting it.
"You can do it," B.O.B. coaxes his reluctant star, "You can take it."
Then, beautifully, Jovonnie pulls a face that says it all: "No - he can't."
Fortunately, Andreas won't have noticed that look, because he hasn't once looked at Jovonnie's face. He's just a big black dick, after all.
Watch the clip here, if you can stomach it.
*This article was originally published on ka-os|theory in a modified form as "Racism? What racism? It's just a bit of fun! (Right?)" on 6th January 2010.