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Two Gay Ducks, An Evil Chimp and a Comedy Pony

IT'S ALL BEEN happening in the animal kingdom this week. Gay ducks, scheming chimps and deceptive donkeys have all been keeping us entertained. There's apparently only three Blue Ducks left in the United Kingdom, two of whom are boy ducks and one of whom is female. But she's all out of duck. I mean luck. "They stay together all the time, parading up and down their enclosure and whistling to each other as a male might do with a female he wants to mate with," a keeper at Arundel Wetland Centre says. "People who visit the centre think they're a fantastic couple, without really coming around to the idea that they are two males. They both have very big personalities and people come from all over the country to come and see them." Of the female duck, the keeper adds: "Cherry doesn't seem bothered by it, she's just happy to keep herself to herself." If there's one thing I hate (amongst the many things that rile me) it's giving wild animals names. I can't bear most of the crap that goes out under the banner "natural history" - Meer Cat Mansion, Big Cat Diary - et cetera, thanks to the patronising tones of cheesy narrators. "Cheryl is taking her cub Lulu out to do the shopping," some c**t is likely to say of a polar bear teaching it's cub life's basics. Please f**k off and die. Thank God for Sir David Attenborough, whose dulcet (yet coolly matter-of-fact) tones are nothing short of hypnotic. Elsewhere, chimpanzees have shown just how clever they really are, by collecting rocks which they'll later throw at human gawpers. What's surprised boffins is that the act of hurling the rocks was previously thought to be an emotional, spur of the moment thing. A crime of passion. But these devious bitches are calmly gathering their ammunition well in advance. Boffin Dr Mathias Osvath of Sweden told BBC News: "We've done experimental studies, and the chimps in my mind show very clearly that they do plan for future needs, but it has been argued that perhaps this was an experimental artefact. Now we have this spontaneous behaviour, which is always in some sense better evidence." Lastly, we have the story of the "sausage-pony" in Southampton. This adorable creature is a pony with short lil stumpy legs. From a distance, "Mayflower" (yes, it's got a name) looks like she's bogged down in mud. She ain't. Bitch wants left alone to yam down her grass, is all. "We have been called out several times for the animal now and it is getting a bit ridiculous," says animal rescue specialist Anton Phillips. "We are changing our mobilising policy for this particular area now and in future we will only send out an animal rescue specialist to evaluate the call-out before sending a full team out. These calls from the public are with good intent. When viewed at long range, this pony looks like it is trapped, particularly if it is standing still next to its mates which are twice its height." So there you have it - faggot ducks, evil chimps and a joker pony. All having a good laugh at man's expense. And who could blame them. VIEW ALL ANIMAL STORIES Elsewhere - Blue Ducks likely to die out in UK after male birds get together Elsewhere - Zoo chimp 'planned' stone attacks Elsewhere - 'Sausage-pony' prompts 999 calls Previously - Gays Make The Best Parents Previously - Happy Ever After, All

3 comments:

taylorSiluwé ..... said...

Delightful. I think they give the animals names on shows like that to make us care more when a predator suddenly arrives and rips their gut open.

And it Meerkat MANOR - an annoyly cutsie but addicitive show. I cried when FLOWER got bitten by the snake and died. I had to cancel all my appointments.

taylorSiluwé ..... said...

Oh, I forgot, ur spot on about Attenborough! I can listen to him all day.

Sanya in España said...

I love wild animals. Hate domestic ones. That is all...

 
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