Brian's Fishwife Hell

Let us return now to Brian-Watch. Our excitable Essex boy has been packed off on a traditional British caravan holiday (circa 1950) with our other Big Brother favourite, Charley. As a ‘reward’ for winning the knobbliest knees competition, Big Brother issued our chums with drab 1950s clothes, and banished them to a caravan in the garden. Unfortunately for Brian, neither he nor Charley can leave the caravan, nor can the other housemates come within the white picket fence bordering it. But by day two of their jolly break, Brian was fed up with Charley’s trademark whingeing, complaining to Carole about his proxy wife. Charley yelled: "I can hear you arseholes," to which Brian retorted: "That's because you're supposed to." Big Brother subsequently called the unhappy duo back to the house. At breakfast Laura remarked of a sullen looking Brian: “Brian looks mentally exhausted.” After a caravan holiday with Charley, it’s astonishing he’s still standing.
"Oh blimey! I better get a move on otherwise Charley'll throw a strop."
"Strewth. She's gonna go mental. I can hear 'er blood boiling from 'ere."
"God 'elp me. I'm in for a proper tellin' off tonight. She's not a woman you wanna disappoint, my Charley."

Charley waits for Brian. It's not looking good for him.

"Look at the state of the garden Bri. God almighty.That fence needs paintin' in'all. And when are you gonna do sumfink about the leakin' roof? Call yourself a man? Git in the caravan, I need a seein' to. NOW!"

"That husband of mine's is gonna give me a good seein' to tonight if it kills him.
BRI! Git in the caravan. I'm not bein' funny but I've got needs."

"We don't talk like we used to Bri."

"That's 'cos I can't get a word in edgeways, darlin'."

"Bri are you gonna eat like that? I slave over a hot stove all day. Bri, say something. I'm not being funny or nuffink but this isn't the sort of life I wanted for myself. Bri! BRI!"

"Fetch me pipe and slippers there's a good girl."

"I'm a hen-pecked 'usband. Git me outta here."

"Stop faffing about Bri and git in 'ere you. Yer dinner's on the table."

Charley finally makes Brian pass out. Well, wouldn't you?

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